Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Although a few weeks ago I said I was enough, this week I want more than who I am right now. I’m still doing e-mails as my job has been pushed ahead and my pride and my ego have had taken a beating as I have had to take phone calls the last two days. I’m not the same person I was two months ago, and that’s how long it’s been since I’ve taken calls, I’m not as patient and not as willing to sit there and have people get mad at me. I have to put myself back in a place to handle it while still staying true to the person I’ve grown into.
I want to have more time to work on things, to write, to read to play music, to run, I’ve been wanting to make cookies since Saturday and been wanting to make muffins for like a month now, and still haven’t gotten to it. I want to move back to the city, and be close to the arts, even though I don’t have enough time now to do what I want in the country without distractions.
A while ago I wondered what I sacrificed to be who I am. I couldn’t see it. There are many options I guess I could have chosen for my life, but you never see the life you didn't choose, I don’t know what would have happened if I had made other choices. When I chose to move to catering I wanted to be around people, when I went to the hotel I wanted to work on getting well. I spent ten years trying to cure depression. Friendships and relationships, although present, have taken a back seat and I’m used to dealing with myself. It was the only choice I had, that I could see.
This week I’m feeling a little lonely despite my freedom, I guess the grass is always greener on the other side. I was warned about this too, choosing to follow your dream of art will leave you feeling lonely. So that is my new goal I guess, to feel explore that feeling. I’ve been scared of that feeling, but I guess it makes sense to feel it. I’ve been afraid to write because I don’t want to write and have people say, “well, look what you’ve got and it’s great.” It is great, I’m spoiled and I’ve got the life and the health I was fighting for. But now the goal is to deal with the loneliness that has come with it. It’s taken a few days to get here and lots of letters to friends.
I've dealt with this before; two steps forward, one step back, it's new this time. I'll embrace it and see what lessons there are to learn.
It’s ok to feel lonely, it’s ok to be good enough and still want more. It’s ok for things to take a while to become clear. I do have great friends around me; this is something new inside of me.
So this is it. This is the big emotion. This is what I keep coming back to. It's not one of those things where you write a blog about it and it goes away. This emotion keeps coming back. So now I need to explore it and sort it out, understand what parts are illusions and what parts are real.