Thursday, September 16, 2010
So I did what a person was supposed to do when they feel sad, go to friends say: “I don’t feel good.” Say that it seems juvenile to pout over things that we have no control over. The supervisors are taking calls we can step up to the plate too.
And then I heard: “I understand, I feel it too.” And then I heard: “This week is a write off.” And then I thought, “what if what I’m feeling is real?” There’s stress at work, everyone is in different places doing different things. There are no more long chats with #1 this week 1.5 is on vacation, Tink is sitting beside me but we’re both on the phones and it’s a little harder to throw in a conversation. The e-mail team is putting their hands up and we don’t ask each other and figure out the best answer, because we’re doing other things. Domer and Redman are at school, so there’s no break time chats or random walks by the desk. Well they walked by the desk on Tuesday, but I was on the phone, doing my job, so I didn’t get to chat.
Plus, I said good bye to everyone last week and now I’m back, so that’s a little awkward.
I’ve put other things ahead of my writing; the boys insisted I watch Firefly, so I’ll come home and put an episode of that on instead of writing or bog hopping. Perhaps in a way I’ve gotten used to these strangers voices in blogs. And I’ve been putting the piano ahead of writing too, and maybe with all that is going on I need to do some more focus on how I’m feeling since my emotions are this strong.
I was listening to “king of anything” yesterday morning. I hadn’t connected with Sara Bareilles before; I didn’t think that she needed to be in relationships with guys that made her write songs like this. And then this morning I thought what if it’s not a boy, what if it’s an emotion? What if I personified this loneliness talked to it understand it made it as alive on paper as it is inside me and I understood it better, where it visited me, how it made me react to other people. I think that’s what I’ll do in the morning.
I said “yeah you silly emotion, I’m not drowning, who made you king of anything?”
What if at 30 *cough* I get real emotions? And I can sort them out?
ps stayed up past my bedtime blog hopping very nice