Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Control



I was so sad and exhauseted I cried for like 24 hours, I thought maybe it was the milk because it was a brand I don't use very often, but this morning I don't have the regular sensitivities. There were so many great plans for the summer, and everyone worked really hard this summer, we worked overtime and I didn’t get to do all the things outside of work I had planned at the start. But we all really bonded inside. Now we’re going through a bunch of changes and coming off the high and people are going off in different directions and promotions and it all hit me hard, with a sore throat, runny nose, cold and tears.

Sometimes we get sick to weaken us and make us get right to the bottom of stuff, we get sick because we’ve been bottling stuff up inside, not seeing what we need to see, to lay it all out in the open, to be honest about things and see things, it beats down our immune system. Makes us appreciate what we had, and allows us to move forward, even when we thought we already had, even if we have to do it again and again. There are bigger things at work in this universe than I can ever imagine understanding; and I, and my confused emotions are only one small bit.

I keep going back and reading what I wrote to my friends who I leaned on heavily the last couple days, denounce what I was writing as as just sick rambling, but there are truths there.

I made it through, I saw what I had, what I learned this summer and I will take it on to the next thing that comes at me, the whole world doesn’t stop with a change.

I'm Ok now, but my body hasn't needed a break this much in a long time. I'm glad I fought for the vacation. I'm glad I started to cry that day at work and listened to that little voice that said, "you need this vacation."

The road trip tomorrow is off, I can hardly make it to the store to get orange juice without losing my breath and geting tired. This week is for rest and healing.

I planned many great and wonderful things to do on my vacation, and my body said, stick with reading the poetry, but take more naps and have more crys.

I think we can't expect people to love us the way we want them to, we have to accept the love they give, as they are able, and we have to love them as we know how. That's the lesson I learned.

Writing that makes me want to scream, because I want to have total control over everything. But thats a lesson for tomorrow.

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