Tuesday, August 10, 2010

She said "I'm alive and I am free, but you see I have control over me"...

-Missy Higgins

When I moved home I was pretty sure it was the end of the world. I saw it as a failure of all I tried to do. There was a point after university that I said it doesn't matter about getting a head job wise I want to work at the catering job and learn socially. When I moved home I thought I lost all that. I was walking up the hill the other morning and realized it's all there safe in paper wrapping and a piece of string. I can pull it out and turn it into a beautiful dress and wear the part that I want and hem what I don't want.

Flash forward to day, when I wondered where my confidence was coming from.

The first step was to move beyond saying I have depression and recognize that I have anxiety too. And all those confusing feelings that I had given other labels became anxiety and this week I’ve been able to look at people and listen to them and hear them and see them, and accept events without so much clutter. I know that when I do something there’s a purpose behind it and a way to execute it and all, or a lot, of the white noise has been washed away.

People have confidence in me and I can give that back to the people around me. When I left the hotel I was working at a limited capacity and that frustrated me. I recognized how much I was fighting and that getting out of bed was a success, but that didn’t impress the bosses and they called me into the office every chance they could, trying to find a way to fire me. That ate at my confidence. I wondered where that smart girl was, the one that people would turn to because I could handle it. "It’s Frosty, of course she can do it."

Have I kept you waiting long enough? I got the job. I’ll be working 9-5 I assumed Monday to Friday, it didn’t matter; I’m not a weekend freak. The e-mail team is officially broken up. One of my best friends had her heart broken because she wanted the job as much as I did. And as I was talking to the team lead who left last month I almost started to cry, because I wouldn't see my friends that came to work after 6pm. We’re the *** girls. We know how to make each other laugh and cry and make the nights go by fast.

I realize I’m ready for it. I’m ready for a change that will place me with a different team stretching across three provinces and 2 time zones. That I will be separated from my friends and create new ones and there will be new opportunities and challenges. I’m excited and scared. It’s good. Congratulations to me.

1 comment:

  1. I am so very happy for you. You will be and are amazing!