Monday, July 19, 2010

I'll Take the Shovel

Remember when I moved the piano? Well, I played it once, but this weekend I finally cleaned the corner (and the rest of the apartment.) I mention this because I did more than clean some shredded paper and the dust that had collected in the past month. I collected three garbage bags of cloths (I’m ready to get rid of the cloths that I had before I lost the weight this winter. I also removed 3 years of empty cardboard boxes that I thought I just might use and I organized some other shit. Now maybe it was because I got into dirt that was four years old, but I felt noxious all night and today, writing myself my own e-mails on my work breaks and being back at my desk very late from them, I realized I did more than just clean my apartment but also worked on my insides.

I was angry for a long time. Part of this week, this year; this part of finding out who I am is knowing that I didn't have the correct tools.

I didn’t know the correct way to regulate my time. I did everything I could and got overwhelmed. I didn’t know the correct way to regulate and process my emotions. I didn’t know how to be as strong and independent as I wanted to and still let friends in. I didn’t know how to eat the correct food to make me healthy. I didn’t have the correct mix of medication to function correctly.

Over the years there have been gifts from friends who have said “read this” or “do this.” There have been feelings “I have to walk into this bookstore right now and there will be answers.” There have been connections with people that have worked and others that haven’t. And slowly I have acquired some of the tools to: make it through the day, to be dependable at work, to trust myself enough to offer my friendship to others. I have permission to be on the hunt for the tools that will make me a better person, a stronger person, a happier person.

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