Thursday, July 29, 2010

Go Home

My boss told me at 3:00 I could go home. I started at 12, so that’s not good. I said no, this can’t win. Frankly, I’ve worked through worse; I just wanted to complain a bit in case it did get too bad to work.

I wasn’t fazed at first, I’m back to fighting the mornings, and since I usually go to bed between 12 and 2 I’m pretty lenient on when I get up. I went to bed early so I could get up for a run and I couldn’t do it. Then about 15 minutes before I left I sat down and blog hopped, first to my regulars and then to new ones that I couldn’t wait to sink my eyes into. I said to myself “see good things happen in the morning when you’re awake."

When I did get to work,#1, who I miss dearly after #1.5 leaves between 3-4:30 (yes, those are real nicknames; I will answer to 1.75 if it’s yelled in a crowded room.) Looked at me this morning and commented that I looked like shit. I said I felt like it and still blamed it on the morning. But being around people always brings me out of my cocoon and I realized this was more than what a second cup of coffee could fix.

There are 3 big “events” this week that could lead me to being this ill. Where my legs shake and feel like jelly. I was dizzy and pretty sure I was going to lose my patience, but I don’t think I did.

1.I use environmental cleaners, I’m environmentally sensitive, but don’t mention it or suffer from it because I keep it under control. In the need to save some of my favorite shirts from pesky little stains I bought, what I realize now, is the strongest stain remover I could. In my defense when I’m home and have to wash cloths in moms “sunlight” I have no problem wearing the cloths once.

On Monday I wore my favorite brown shirt and couldn’t even talk right. 1.5 would ask me random questions just to hear what I’d come up with. (The 3 of us have worked together for over a year as a team, we say almost anything to each other, we’re blunt and frank, but we know each other’s boundaries. I think it’s ok to say we’re at a sister status. And I don’t mind someone getting a good laugh because laundry soap makes me dumb, I’d rather we laugh about it in a group then be isolated because people don’t understand.)

2.My favorite milk changed its package and now says “may contain wheat” on the side. I was going to keep drinking it until it was all gone and then switch companies. But maybe my sister will take the two boxes I have left.

3.I poured my heart out in a letter Tuesday; my friend triggered the world that I disappear to when I’m all alone, the fantasy world that I hide in. And I explained it to her; I will probably never tell anyone ever again, I may never need to. But a weight was lifted and I thought maybe today my body was still exercising the demons. Telling my body to deal with the world in a whole new way.

4.Maybe it was all three combined.

On the upside after I had lunch at 4:30 I felt better and worked my way through the rest of the day. Had the strength to ask a Team Lead about his wife being a dietitian, because I want to make sure that with this lifestyle I’m not being tired out by what I don’t eat, and if I want to know I’m doing everything right.

My cousin is a dietitian too, so whenever I find the courage I found this afternoon, I’ll talk to her too. I’m not sure if a dietitian is the right type of person. I’ve also had a naturopath suggested to my friends in their struggles with food and environment and I may be in a place where I go beyond reading about my issues in books and try again to reach out to real people. In the past reaching out to real people was a fight, it needed to be done. Right now, I’m sustaining myself, so it feels like help is not something that is urgently needed; except when I’m as sick as I was today.

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