Thursday, June 24, 2010

The Question

I was just asked today "when you’re on antidepressants aren't you supposed to be all quiet and reserved?" I said "I have to work on it and make compensations in my head every day.” For those of you who don’t sit beside me at work, I’m no longer a poster child for Prozac. I asked my friend if she remembered me from 3 years ago, in the old program. She said “No.” Exactly; I sat in a little corner and talked to no one. I showed up, did my work and went home. It’s easy to do when you work in a cubicle and pick the one that’s farthest away from everyone else.

There are times when conversations are going on around me, or someone will talk to me and my brain will be absolutely blank. I always feel self conscious, like, if I were normal, I would be able to be part of this conversation. I always worry that people will think that I’m being rude since I’m not answering.

Nope, there’s just nothing there, blank.

When I need to get something out, most of the time, I have to write it out to understand it. I get all excited when I talk to people and an idea starts to form, most things I’ve had to put in my journal to figure out first. I also get excited when people start to talk about something I’ve just written about and I can participate.

Social situations scare the crap out of me.

If I don’t write every day, emotions that someone would come to work and talk about, or call a friend about after work, get all jammed up inside my head.

A conversation that on the outside seems as aimless and pointless as “Mary’s Bag” (inside joke) is safe, it doesn’t involve digging deep or processing and there is still a satisfaction of talking with no pressure… but I like laughing and making people laugh and I need to know how I feel inside.

There’s a part of me that’s been determined to live as normal a life as I can with this thing called depression. So I continue to do funny and loud and yes sometimes naughty and I continue to work at random chats and deal with the fear of "The Invite Out."

1 comment:

  1. Good for you Frosty. I hope you continue to write it out. Please talk to your doctor about anxiety, because some antidepressants help with that more than others and I suspect that is a part of the problem. When I was young, I was like you about talking to other people, on a personal level at least (oddly, I could talk in class and then for my jobs - that is, when I had a "role").
    Take care.
    And thank you for visiting my blog. I love your photo of the bleeding heart.