Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Put Your Hands in the Ayre

The past two days have been a learning experience. We’re upgrading at work, and although I wasn’t assigned floor support, it was expected. I’m so used to doing floor support, the look of so many of my friends with their hands up at once, and the deer in the headlights look, tugged at my heart.

Part of me knew that I had just gone through the same training class as they did, and that scared me a bit. Part of me worries that I will take on too much and let someone or myself down. But I’ve been at the call centre for four years now and have been through a few systems. I’ve been doing floor support on and off for a while too and I’m learning how to gather information from my coworkers, and explain the issue, usually without having my hand on their mouse (sometimes I do grab their mouse so I don’t have to say press here, press here.) The first time I was ever asked to do floor support (in a program that no longer exists in our call centre) I cried, so I’ve come along way.



I stayed confident, I wasn’t scared that I wasn’t going to be able to answer the questions; I just took it one at a time. My friends helped me put this into words, I told them the only thing they needed to do was make it through the first call. If they needed help they could put up their hand. It made me confident to explain that to them. I also kept my pride in check; I made a few mistakes, and had to put my hand up as well and ask someone else to help me, or help me help them.

There were coloured flags too, but I’m not sure which colour meant what I just helped with what I could.

When I left at the end of the evening more people said good-bye to me than usual, I was blown a kiss and got the queen wave, which is now a joke between a co worker and myself. This made me feel good after a tough day.

I kind of don’t really have a main focus as I write this, except that I think I’m getting the confident me back, the me that can take on a leading role and handle fast paced situations involving a lot of people.

The whole things has stressed me out a bit and I haven’t had time to make a decent meal in two days; I had a can of Amy’s Chili on Sunday, and the thought of staying up late last night and making soup didn’t work for me. Then I realized I would make burgers and fries. So I marched up to the store, but they didn’t have my fries. So as I nuked the soy burgers I started to make rice and burnt it. I started to make rice again and once it started to boil I forgot to put it on minimum, and burnt it again. Third time was a charm, rice and burgers it was, I should have just made soup.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Sing Us a Song Piano Girl

even if it's is just a C Scale...


a bff made the quilt like 10 years ago, I bought the keyboard a year later and it fit perfectly as a cover

So I moved the Piano over to the window.

It can't stay there forever; I'm frightened about the weather

And in the winter the heat will need to be turned on.

But instead of walking by it and shuddering about how much I've lost.

This morning I looked at it and thought just a c scale that's all you need to do :)

There was no time, but there was a sense of passion again. It felt good, not ominous.



Now what to do with the big empty spot in the corner. Hummmm Vacuum Maybe?

Friday, June 25, 2010

Uh Oh Carb Salad

There's a family get toether and all you have in the fridge is two tomatoes, an onion and a lemon what do you do?

2 cups of water
1 cup quinoa
2 tomatoes chopped
1 large white onion diced
1 tablespoon and ¼ cup toasted sesame seed oil
1 can artichoke hearts chopped
Juice from 1 lemon
1 teaspoon cumin
1 can chickpeas

Follow the directions for making quinoa
Fry onion in tablespoon of sesame seed oil until translucent
When quinoa is done add everything in a bowl stir and let sit for a few hours

Thursday, June 24, 2010

The Question


I was just asked today "when you’re on antidepressants aren't you supposed to be all quiet and reserved?" I said "I have to work on it and make compensations in my head every day.” For those of you who don’t sit beside me at work, I’m no longer a poster child for Prozac. I asked my friend if she remembered me from 3 years ago, in the old program. She said “No.” Exactly; I sat in a little corner and talked to no one. I showed up, did my work and went home. It’s easy to do when you work in a cubicle and pick the one that’s farthest away from everyone else.

There are times when conversations are going on around me, or someone will talk to me and my brain will be absolutely blank. I always feel self conscious, like, if I were normal, I would be able to be part of this conversation. I always worry that people will think that I’m being rude since I’m not answering.

Nope, there’s just nothing there, blank.

When I need to get something out, most of the time, I have to write it out to understand it. I get all excited when I talk to people and an idea starts to form, most things I’ve had to put in my journal to figure out first. I also get excited when people start to talk about something I’ve just written about and I can participate.

Social situations scare the crap out of me.

If I don’t write every day, emotions that someone would come to work and talk about, or call a friend about after work, get all jammed up inside my head.

A conversation that on the outside seems as aimless and pointless as “Mary’s Bag” (inside joke) is safe, it doesn’t involve digging deep or processing and there is still a satisfaction of talking with no pressure… but I like laughing and making people laugh and I need to know how I feel inside.

There’s a part of me that’s been determined to live as normal a life as I can with this thing called depression. So I continue to do funny and loud and yes sometimes naughty and I continue to work at random chats and deal with the fear of "The Invite Out."

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

GOALS



Find more poetry outlets (books, websites, how to books, workshops)

Keep making different food so I feel comfortable creating my own. I was about to say take a cooking class, but this is B’town, they don’t even order veggie pizza at work functions, let alone offer a cooking class that would be beneficial for me to take.

Read more of the books that I have. Try to fit in a few pages before I fall asleep. (Pillars of the Earth right now) .

Watch “TV” in the morning rather than have a morning nap (SARK says morning naps are allowed). I know I know the TV is not hooked up but I've started downloading TrueBlood and assuming I can handle it(episode 1 down) I'll keep watching it.

More photography adventures.

Cats of my own (way in the future).

Move the piano to the front window and out of the stuffy corner (just to see… right now there’s so much stuff that comes before the piano)

I don’t want to go back to University and take English courses involving books that bore me (plus money is an issue) but I want to keep learning about writing.

If available take another writing class/workshop.

I want to feel safe in B’town a little longer, keep working on my insides, things seem to be getting better here (that or I’m going completely crazy… fine line right?)

Maintain positive energy despite everything that’s going on around me, inside and out.

Keep running in the morning.

Take a step up job wise.

I want to go on a date, with a boy, and can I throw in a kiss?

Where does this come from? In January, without consciously thinking about it as a New Year’s resolution, I started a binder about goals, passions, dreams, fears and so on. I felt compelled to, some things worked out (writing class, photography, exercise. Some didn’t (playing the piano)

This weekend I felt I needed to refresh my goals and go over them again, put them in writing, know what’s in my heart.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Past Two Days



On the weekend
There was such a freedom of soul and spirit
There weren’t enough hours
I was never bored or at a loss of what to do:
To read, to write, to clean, to go see a movie with a friend
To make curry, which never happened
It was fast paced
I was alert

Today with only a few hours before work
My body wants the time to go fast
I just want to get to work and get the e-mails done
My concentration crooked and focus is on everything
And nothing
And then I reread my journal
And realized when I do a lot
I need down time

More than that
I believe there needs to be a change in focus
A review of goals
I needed down time and that’s ok

What if I can get to a point where I trust my body
And I can believe it when it tells me something?

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Candle Problem



Task: fix a lighted candle, using only the tools given, on a wall in a way so the candle wax won't drip onto the table below. Or catch the wall on fire.

Very few people realize you can use the tack box.

As I was explained the answer, I began to worry about the tacks: when you take them out of the box they’re not stored safely in a nice little container. Chaos could happen.

And that got me thinking about all the decisions I’ve been trying to make. When I make a decision, do I hold back in fear of a small mess that can be easily rectified? One of which is moving back to the city, to be closer to writing classes, Theatre and Film friends, Theatre and Film projects, and the other friends I left behind.

Tink did give me a good talking to, explaining that now I have new tools to work with when I decide to venture away from B’town.

But there is still a real fear that all the nice organized tacks will roll of the table. I’m by no means a neat freak, but someone, perhaps myself, may step on a tack.

In the end I totally I overlooked the fact that I’ll be lighting a beautiful candle that would illuminate the darkness.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Tofu with Gingered Peanut Sauce and Broccoli



Pat Crocker The Vegan Cook’s Bible

8 ounces of wheat free pasta
8 oz firm tofu cubed
2 cloves garlic crushed
1 tablespoon gingerroot grated
1 jalapeño pepper chopped
1/3 cup wheat free tamari
2 tablespoons agave nectar
1/3 cup peanut butter
1/3 cup warm water
Olive oil
1 onion chopped
2 cups broccoli florets (I don’t measure, I just use the bunch)
1 small container of spinach (recipe calls for 2 cups)

In the morning put the peanut butter and water together and let soak.

Also, cube tofu and add garlic, gingerroot, jalapeño, tamari and agave together and marinate in separate bowl.

At night, follow the directions to making pasta while you…

Add oil and onion in wok and fry for 3 minutes (or until translucent) lift tofu from marinade and stir fry 2-3 minutes. Put onions and tofu in the marinade bowl and add peanut butter and water.

Add more oil to wok and fry broccoli until tender crisp. Sir in tofu mixture and spinach and al dente pasta until spinach is ready to eat.

Yummy, this is my favorite recipe.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Page 257

I’m going to stop reading Running with Scissors for a while. It makes me hurt and brings back all the mental struggles (which in my life, were no where near this extream) I had in the past and have gotten over. Reading it doesn’t make me feel good at all. I thought I could read a book and be distant, but the words touch me, and tug at my emotions and in this case my mental health. I need to read something more stable and positive.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Riddles

Yes, my shoes are cute, yes I have some funky shirts, but I still have many insecurities, I still have to apologize to friends when I let them down, I’m still afraid to say things and ask for certain things, even after all I’ve worked out. I still have fears that take three days to put into words before I am secure enough to voice them. And even now I speak in riddles, unable to admit what's inside.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Perception


It was a very long week. I was in training for new software that is being introduced at work. We spent 7.5 hours a day sitting in front of a computer that blocked the view to the teacher, in a room with no windows (used to be a morgue… I work in the old hospital where I was born) and poor ventilation. One of the teachers was actually my elementary school principal. Do I call him by his first name or do I revert back to age 7 and call him the Mr. that is ingrained in my head? We spent a week being told that if we wanted to order a PIN for example… we hit the “Order PIN” button.

All week I was worried about “The Test.” I’m always worried about how my brain will relate from doing something like clicking options on a computer screen, to writing about it on a piece of paper. (Or when I'm floor support, explaining it to someone.) Everyone was saying there was so much writing. In my imagination I pictured a 20 page test with answers that required stories about the past, present and future. That to me is a lot of writing. When I got the three pages that I could answer in point form I realized my idea of a lot of writing (pages and hours of scribble on lined paper,) and what everyone else thinks is a lot of writing is very different. I feel confident in writing “The Test” and I am not too worried about the result.

It's back to regular work today, and I've been promised I'll forget all I've learned by the time the new software hits the floor.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Clothed in Confidence


I was looking at the picture I posted of my shirts. In my house they’re hung up between plan t-shirts and folded jeans, in a dark closet. They’re never all together under a flash.

I look at those shirts and think: a really cool person must own those shirts. They must belong to a woman who allows colour and light into her life. She knows who she is and isn’t afraid to step out of the blacks T’s and striped turtle necks that are also in her collection.

I feel satisfaction with the image that those shirts portray in my mind, that I had so much fun finding them and feel confident wearing them. They’re not all monotone and safe (there’s nothing wrong with that I have many plan shirts that I wear ALL the time... see above) and that doesn’t make me afraid.

I told my mom the other day, while we were second hand shopping, that I was glad I felt confident enough in who I am, and with my body, to choose fancy shirts.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Cauliflower Red Lentil Soup


Sarah Kramer La Dolce Vegan
With my own alterations- very minor

1 medium Onion Chopped
1 tbsp Olive Oil
1 tsp Ginger Grated
4 Cloves Garlic
1 tsp Cumin
1 Chopped Jalapeño
1 tsp Ground Turmeric
2 ½ cups Vegetable Stock
1 Cauliflower Chopped
2 Medium Tomatoes Chopped
1 cup Dried Red Lentils
½ tsp Salt

Sauté onions in oil until translucent.
Add ginger, garlic, cumin, hot pepper and sauté for two minutes stirring constantly to avoid sticking.
Add stock, cauliflower, tomatoes and lentils and salt. Bring to a boil then reduce heat. Cover with lid and simmer 15-20 minutes or until lentils are cooked. Let cool and blend in food processor for a smooth soup.
Goes good with a little Josh Groban.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Life Should Have Many A Thank You



I want to be able to say thank you
To people who have helped me along the way
I want to hear people say;
Don’t struggle though this
Because it’s been done before;
Here’s what I do…

I hope I'm ready to accept these words

I want the strength to know when it’s ok to help
When someone is going through something
That I have been through
Not be afraid that I’ll insult them
Push them too quickly
Or be wrong, or that they won’t accept
Or that I’ll lose a friend,

I want us to have the strength to say
Take this and fly higher,
Run faster, dream bigger,

I want people to feel safe saying that to me as well
And not hurt them if I don’t understand it right away
Or I make it my own
I want to take it and not feel hurt myself
I want to understand that it’s safe to get help

I don’t have to learn it all by myself

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Opinions Change Sometimes


As I reach page 130 of the childhood and story told of and by Augusten Burroughs in “Running with Scissors” , My personal opinion has gone from pure amusement (there is controversy and questions about how true this memoir is) to one of sadness. If it was purely a work of fiction I would be amused by the characters of the story and where they have gone. As a memoir, I am saddened that Burroughs seems to have no strong role models and that in his search for answers is having sexual experiences with much older men when he is 13. Men who should be protecting and guiding him.

Of course my own connection comes up with the Finch family and how the Doctor “looks after” his patients. When I was sick and searching for answers I wanted so much to put my faith into the Doctor who was sitting in front of me asking all sorts of personal questions and asking me to change parts of my life. I’m glad I never blindly followed any doctors that I had a bad feeling about, and continue to search for the answers that are right for me, sometimes in places that “professionals” say could never help. However frightening that may be.

One Doctor even told me I wrote too much, but she would be able to help me with that.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Dog Food like Popcorn


My current obsession is my writing style; I’m scared about all the failings I see it. But as I read Running with Scissors, I realize, again, as maybe I have to remind myself of this every day, I just need to write. His writing isn’t near as polished and as well calculated as Ian McEwan, but the story is interesting to read and I want to keep reading more. Sure I’d like more description and a little more length to the paragraph to feel full, but I’m enjoying it.

The story is out there. Ironman 2 left me thinking “How big can the action scenes be? Now let’s go bigger.” And this story is like: “let’s take the weirdest life we know, and add dog food like popcorn”. When I’m writing, I too like to push my imagination to the limit. I can’t be afraid, or stall when things don’t come easy. I just have to keep writing.

You see, I’ve spent a long time learning to accept the voice of the muse and allow her into my head, into my life and I let her words come alive on the page. That’s what I’ve been working on in the last year. When I post on Facebook that “I’m listening to Annie Lennox, drinking Blueberry Tea and Writing” that is in fact what I’m doing. I have scripts started and disjointed stories and now poems and blogs that are “written as they come,” ideas. Right now whether anyone sees them or not depends on if they get finished; if they get finished depends on whether or not the Muse allows it all to come out at once. We know that doesn’t happen very often. So I'm obsessed with that as well.

It’s time to take a new step. Yes I am a strong enough person to take the next step and face all the challenges that come with it. It won’t be as easy as sitting there and letting words ramble out of my head. I need to focus on making them mean something allowing them to flow together from one idea to the next. Just because they came out as a script or a short story or a poem isn’t enough or just because I have a paragraph and the words and ideas excite me isn’t enough. I need to take the next step and decide to make it grow. I’m scared because it’s hard, because it involves focus and planning and outlines. It involves something new; something I wasn’t trained to do. So often people tell you “Just get the idea down on paper”… Well there is a big shipping box of ideas down on paper all sorted out in their own special folders and there’s enough of them that they’re screaming (very loudly I might add) to become even more real.

It’s my censor, my censor is saying you have to stop writing now, you’re grammar is wrong, you’re paragraphs are convoluted and you’re having trouble making things flow smoothly. I just need to keep writing.

Unlike life, I can decide to hit the control x buttons and move the unwanted moment to another file; or go back and control v what I really meant to say.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Thursday, June 3, 2010


...spent the week running under the illusion that I can accomplish anything if my shirt is funky enough and my shoes are comfortable...

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Lessons Learned


A sunset in B’town isn’t as pretty as in the open country, or along the shore. But it’s all I have for a sunset when I need to breath. To find the beauty between the chain link fence, the cars and the pavement. The light is shining through the trees. The inspiration is seeping out to me between the leaves of the trees.

I’m allowing things to happen in my life. There are actions and reactions, people don’t always hear what I say or react the way I have planned inside my head. Sometimes words get twisted as they fly from my mouth to others ears, from plans to actions. I need to make sure what I say is understood.

It was a tough day at work. We didn’t get what we wanted and all the plans have gone in other directions. It’s good that I can be a good employee when things are going good, but can I step up to the plate on a bad day? I may have struck out a couple times, but I made it to a few bases as well.

I still have the ability to make people laugh even if I’m angry on the inside, or in bad or stressful times.