I was asked to do overtime. I sighed. I would like to help out work. I would like to not feel guilty when I tell them no. But I remembered how I felt last week. How it felt like the world was coming to an end. How it felt like I was being sucked down. And the week before after only two days of work it felt like I would never get enough sleep to make up for the tiredness I was feeling. I feel good today, but I’m also not pushing myself. I didn’t push myself all week. I slept in all week instead of getting up and forcing myself to watch the news, forcing myself to go for a run and hour earlier because I needed to get to work an hour and a half earlier.
So I said that I needed this weekend off and if I felt like it I would go in. But I need my weekends to grow strong again so I can do five days in a row.
Friends posted notes on Facebook about people with depression about how they tried to be strong and I argued that we are strong, even, and especially on the days that we don’t feel strong. I can’t work 6 days in a row with only one day off like other people can. I need to go home and renew, cocoon and grow strong where I have pushed myself thin. And if I’m having a good day I need to embrace it and not take it for granted and run to work. That’s who I am. I need two days off so I can process my emotions and my feelings and understand them. That’s what my weekends are for. The alternatives of doing something else are not an option.