Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Usually I don't like when people seem down in their writing, when reading their words sucks you down with them. I want to tell them there is more to life than this, and I'm afraid that people will feel the same way when I add this to my blog, but maybe in writing it I will set it free, maybe someone else will read it and not feel as alone as I do.
When I hear that not everyone has a good day, every day, I feel like I’m not alone. So with great trepidation I'll write about my mornings.
I am often sad in the mornings. I’m sad that every second day I need to go out and run when I would just rather be in my pajamas at the computer. I’m sad that I’m so exposed to the world, that people can see me as I run.
I get so sad that I don’t even play at the computer I just try to hide on the couch.
I get sad that when I do get off the couch, I usually get interested in a piece of poetry, mine or someone else’s, just before I have to go to work and then I need to leave it behind.
My mind doesn’t focus on all the fun things that will happen during the day; that my friends will come up with funny jokes and stories during the day. I forget if I do try, I’ll learn something new or feel something new, even if I am all alone in my apartment.
I forget that if I just try, things get done in the morning. If I just put on a movie for 10 minutes, or watch the news, I start to feel motivated. I forget that if I get out my journal, or a piece of writing, my world isn’t so sad. That when I put on my running cloths and go around the block my body wakes up.
I forget that if I just sleep on the couch for an hour, or take forever to get out of bed, I feel bad for wasting all that time.
I forget that because of depression my body isn’t telling me the truth. It isn’t tied or lost or alone. The world isn’t as dark and hopeless as it seems. Hiding for an extra five minutes isn’t going to make any answers any clearer.
So today I didn’t run, but I sat with the sadness, and exposed it for what it is; a fraud. And maybe that’s what I need to do for a while, sit with the sadness and expose it. And Beat It.
(Don’t worry unless there’s a major breakthrough I won’t bore you with sadness talk. Life is too short.)