This summer I have a goal. There are very little goals in depression. I get up, get around, work and set up my free time to make sure I’m ready and focused enough to get to work. This summer I have a goal outside of work. I feel better, like depression has less of a hold on me and I want to write, really focus and shut out distractions. I want to prove that if I put my mind to it, I can have a few pieces that I want to share. I still want to include friends and random social situations, but I want to take this summer and really write as much and as often as I can.
The first thing I did was cancel my cable. Yep, TV is turned off until September 8th. That means 6 months of no TV. I use TV as a distraction, to sit down and let my brain escape. It was needed in the past, because my brain needed to escape a lot, and my body was only awake enough to sit and watch. I didn’t have any other way to be awake. But in the last couple months I’ve felt stronger and more confident in my reading ability and my Journal writing has been a good and effective way to clear my head.
I can download movies on my computer, so I can watch a good (or bad) movie on the computer while I eat, or early in the morning, depending on what these extended hours at work bring. I only like watching 2 or 3 shows anyway, and I don’t mind downloading the few episodes left before their season is over. I also have an acceptable collection of music that I can play as back ground noise. I’m also banking on this summer being a nice one and I want to be outside for walks in the parks or maybe even run down streets I’ve never been down before.
I called last week to cancel, and they turn it off this Friday. I shook when I called them, I kept thinking this is a bad idea, I’m going to fail. I’m going to need TV like before; I need to know it’s there for me when I need it.
The last 2 weeks I’ve kept the TV off all the time, this weekend I not only cleaned my entire apartment, I got groceries, pulled out three or four pieces of writing and felt really confident in the way they were shaping up. I felt completely at peace with myself, who I am and my choices. That has never really happened before. So I feel confident that I made the correct decision.
Then, I went out dancing.