Thursday, April 1, 2010

Beware the Parenthesis

I just told a friend that if she wants to lose weight, there were no tricks, just healthy eating, real food and lots of exercise: pills and tricks will not keep you healthy. So I kind of walked backwards when I bought a container of protein shake powder, but I didn’t know it at the time. It wasn’t to lose weight, but the girl who wrote my current favorite cookbook mentioned she had a Vega shake in the morning and I thought if it worked for her, I should try it.

The powder is vegan so no animal by products what so ever (no dairy) and there are big gluten free stickers all over the package. So I took it home and downed it for breakfast. With over 200 calories, most of the day’s protein and 100% of every vitamin and mineral you could ever want, I figured that I could plow through the taste. The first two days were great (except for maybe the fiber thing which is one of the main reasons I got it, but there were non-animal probiotics and it takes yogurt 14 days to work so why not this?)

By Tuesday things were different. I started the day sitting on the couch with no motivation. I didn’t even want to watch a movie (the trick I’m using to get me started and inspired in the morning) I tried to write and although there were things running through my head I couldn’t put them down in words (really not a regular problem). I curled up on the couch and told myself that this is what it’s like to have depression, and pushed on with my day.

At lunch time though my friends had to couch me with basic names: I had forgotten my bosses name, and I’ve worked with her in one form or another for the past three years (she was the one who caught me gasping “F*ck” into the phone while it was still recording the call.) I couldn’t remember if Gus was Gus or Russ and so on. I’m used to forgetting little things after I eat (especially after apples) but this I couldn’t shake.

Yesterday the same pattern happened. I poured a shake and sat on the couch and didn’t even want to eat (well drink) it. I love breakfast but I just sat on the couch. I was so down, what had happened to all the work I had done all the writing (even if I’m still working on it amounting to anything) in the morning all the running and the movies, I felt like I was losing a huge battle that I was so close to winning.

Then I put a banana chocolate chip muffin in the microwave, maybe it would give me a little bit of energy. Zap. I went on to have a real bowl of cereal another muffin (I had a few days to catch up on) some of those left over magic brownies and the regular frozen berries and soy milk.

The day was stressful, and a lot of things happened but I could handle what came up, well except for when my boss (I remembered her name) asked me why I wanted the new position I was interested in and I just stared at her, but that happens to the best of us does it not? I let myself eat whatever I wanted to as an apology to my body and putting it through so much stress. Of course, in the state of mind I was in and a CTV News Report about how people gain weight back after they lose it, I was sure I’d have to pull out the fat pants and have to start the diet and exercise all over again. No, I didn’t wake up a 14 this morning, but there’s a long run scheduled for tomorrow.

Today, I still pampered myself and didn’t push, but I’m back to rights. I know better really, I tried to take a multi-vitamin last summer and ended up on anti inflammatories as my jaw stopped working right (to be fair the Dr totally denied that vitamins could do this, but it never happened before, or since.) So now I know better again. But you have to try new things… don’t you?

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