Friday, March 5, 2010

I Want Things to Happen Fast.

It was early in the morning for me. Fridays are usually a laid back time when I write things on the computer and lounge around the house, so it was weird to be dressed and out of the door before I would even go for a run (there’s no prep for a run, throw on some stinky cloths and a hat and run around the block a couple times). I put on the ear-buds and walked up the hill my mind racing; I’m most creative in the morning new ideas and coffee, mixing with old dreams and new words. When I got to the writing workshop, I sat down and wrote a whole bunch of ideas down knowing I’d be sure to forget them otherwise.

The workshop it’s self was about being a facilitator of a writing group, and although it was advertised for mental illness, that didn’t enter into it very much. So I was a little disappointed, but the people who were involved with the last workshop I took are interested in starting a writing group, and there’s usually something to be learned at a writing workshop if you dig deep enough.

The writing activities were not directed at any particular piece we were working on, but to get you writing in general. That took me outside of myself and had me working on things that didn’t interest me; but I realized that I have the tools to keep writing even when a piece has me stuck. Before the medication I would just sit and write. Eventually a story would emerge, sometimes it was good enough to share, and most times it wasn’t. But I would sit and write and give my piece its own type of beginning middle and end and I would be proud of it. I’m still waiting for that magic pill that I will pick up my short story and say “I know how to make the sentences better” and all of a sudden I’m back in high school and my picture is back on the wall because I did a good job.

When I tell people who have depression that I write so that my world makes sense, I tell them when I started it would take me three pages of freefall writing to get to the bottom of my emotions and now if I’m not feeling right I can grab a paper and a pen and within a couple sentences or paragraphs I can usually find out what’s wrong and find an answer. I have to remember that when I started it was three pages, and if I’m going to work on my creative writing, it may need 3 pages for a while too.

Today is about reality. Maybe this year will be about reality, about stepping out of the fantasies that I create when I’m alone and focus on what is going on around me, it’s great to imagine that I’m a great writer but I need to work on my writing to get there. I have the tools… I need the confidence and the time to take the long way around, so that in the future I can take the quick way. It’s patience and perseverance for a girl who likes things to happen fast.

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