Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Brownies

I’m wrapped up in this diet and wonder if I should be so obsessed with what I eat. I was watching a movie called “Away We Go” about a couple getting ready to have a baby. They were making promises to each other about what kind of parents they will be and the woman basically says… [Promise me if the baby is a girl, she’ll be allowed to eat whatever she wants and we won’t be obsessed with her weight.] Days like this I want that to be my mantra.

I eat pretty much the same thing every day. A bowl of cereal for breakfast; with coffee a few prunes a few hours later some frozen fruit and milk before I go to work. I have an orange on my break, salmon and veggies for lunch and an apple on my last break. When I come home from work I make some vegetarian creation for supper. Usually it works for me.

Sunday, I had a lot of trouble waking up. “It’s ok,” I thought. “I had a long week.”

Again, Monday, I had a hard time waking up. I wrote pages in my journal of all the things that could be making me sad and tired, it was Valentine’s Day, I put in a long week of work, I learned a lot and did a lot. I had this panic attack feeling that I’ll lose my position at work and I felt helpless. Then, I worried that maybe I was too much inside my own head.

I poured my coffee in my travel mug. “Once I get to work I’ll have my second cup of coffee and get to talk to people I’ll feel better,” I thought, but I didn’t. And this feeling went on until my lunch break. I admitted to my friend I was having a bad day. There are so many days that I don’t feel good that it takes a lot for me to say that. But shortly after my salmon and veggies, I started to feel better. I had energy and the whole world wasn’t going to collapse in on me. Wasn’t I eating enough?

On my last break, I snuck in a chocolate cookie (I keep them in my locker) along with the apple. And last night it was free range on the food. I topped the night off with brownies. I just bought myself new pans so that I could make brownies and cookies in my apartment. And I ate brownies; a no, no on a strict diet.

This morning I didn’t wake up any earlier, but the world isn’t collapsing. So it looks like it’s going to be a week of relaxing and taking care of myself, rather than pushing myself to lose weight and run.

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