A sick Me lets so much go unchallenged, indifferent to past or future, it doesn’t exist, it’s wrapped in unhappiness and sleep and any moment of connection is special. The Me that’s starting to process things and the Me who has a timeline with a memory, is starting to be faced with decisions that make me define who I am. What I stand for.
Tonight was the first time I was faced with a decision, that I’ve never taken seriously before. Lately, there have been instances where people will say something about someone that I respect behind their back, and I wonder: Where do I stand? What do I say? What is my responsibility to the other friend? What happens when one friend says something about another and maybe even vice versa?
I don’t usually take sides; in the past I could hang out with person A, who says something about person B. 1 hour later I’ll be hanging out with person B and listening to them speak about A. But that is starting to feel wrong; empty. Now, it has me asking questions: Are you supposed to take sides? Or, are you supposed to say: “it hurts me when you say that about one of my friends?” Or do you just let it go by and just stay neutral, with the adage that: the more friends you have the richer you are?
There are people I want to connect with, I want to share “fight” stories and learn how to survive with. I want to share laughs and drinks and hours at Frenchie’s showing each other funky cloths. But if the person says something about another friend… what are they going to say about me when I turn around? What obligations do I have to the other friend?
I don’t have the answer tonight, I think I must keep asking questions.