Thursday, December 30, 2010

flowers and bumble bees


Live Love Laugh is our motto for the year. #1 gave me a picture frame with those words written on it. I also gave Tink a little trinket box with those words on it. There are a few of us who are going to have to create our own happiness rather than depending on it happening on its own. Dig a little deeper to find it.

The new picture frame is on my wall. I have fancy pictures on my wall of flowers and bumble bees. This picture frame spoke people. I needed to put my friends in it; Tink, #1 and Belles mom, #1.5 and her husband. I hung it on the wall, and didn’t think anything of it. Then, later on, I was drinking tea and looking up at it and there was and smiles and histories and stories. I realized how important it was to have pictures of people up on my wall as well. So I printed out a whole bunch of pictures of friends and put them on the wall.

I also told a few more of them how important they were to me. Until this point I had no problem telling the ones who told me I was special, that they were special too. But I realized there were others who talked to me. We shared pieces of ourselves with each other and they needed to be recognized. Others had needed no invitation to tell me I was important, I needed to step up and tell others they were important to me. I recognized this; I was aware and I wasn’t scared.

There is a new year to see where these friendships go.

Thank you.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Our motto this year is LIVE LOVE LAUGH.

So I haven’t been writing much, and for someone who writes like most people breathe, that is unusual. I worked a whole bunch of overtime at work, and quite time for writing is not something that happens at the parent’s house over Christmas, at one point I sat at the table with a book and a journal and a pen and that was about it for the writing. It was an amazing conversation to be part of, and makes me think, among other things, that there is a lot out there coming my way. I usually think, how am I going to do things, this year? I believe, this year; it’s coming towards me.

The Duncan family, meaning the immediate family of four, doesn’t do boxing day sales. Except this year I wanted an ipod nano and a blender. Well I got a blender and for a girl who never had a real smoothie until 2 nights ago, let’s just say the blender is totally earning its keep. There was also a great sale on DVD’s so I picked up season one of Sex and the City.

I would watch bits and pieces of Sex and the City on my breaks, during breaks, on the night shift at “The Hotel;” when there wasn’t a Saturday night party. I had since pushed it away with all my other TV memories. So when I put Season one Episode one in the DVD player I fell in love all over again. I love that these women have so much trouble finding men and are so articulate about it. Whether they’re right or they’re wrong, it doesn’t matter, the idea is that I enjoy it and get swept away.

So, I now own all six seasons and hey, really, who needs to eat?

Considering the amount of TV I watch, I’ll be content until I’m forty.

Hope everyone had/is having a good holiday

video

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The Cliff

There is a simple end
To predicaments like this
Others land, head on stone
A hand pointed upward

Slow motion dream
I fall past the
Layers of rock
Secrets of a billion years

A history lesson
Of people and laughter
And pages turning
Only crows appear

My senses heightened
The dew of heaven
Reaches out
To my shoulder

There is a stench
Of wasted hours
A moment
When breath is stolen

Strong hands of a tree
Pull me up ward
Bones snap
Like weaker limbs

Roots run deep
Into a strong cliff
There is new land
Marked off for me

Culled, my ice fingers
On the blades of rock
Digging deep
Loose stones echo below

There is a flat edge
Trees and a cave
Shelter from the wind
A home

Fires are built
Many hands throw
Axed logs
Announcing sparks

There is a soup
We drink from bowls
Melting our minds
And remove our cold

We tell our lives
Until it is so late
Our hearts begin
To live each other

Stories become etched
Into the rocks around us
By people who
Are gone by morning

I wonder if I am to
Sit here until
They return
Or do I fall

Friday, December 24, 2010

Festivus for the Rest of Us


Aunty and Cousin and Papa Duncan's Gingerbread House


Mama Duncan and I did this one


Sister Duncan and friend from the past I was happy to see again

Monday, December 20, 2010

Enjoy the Holidays






No matter what holiday or how you celebrate.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

The Present


As I was waking up last weekend I comforted myself with a fantasy. I asked myself what I wanted from it. Touching, holding, excitement, family, friends, emotions, shared intensity, fear of a big change, building stronger connections. I realized I had those things in reality; I just needed to know how to process them.

Yesterday, I went home to set up the tree. I went the whole day without disappearing into a fantasy. A few times I went inside myself just to pull things together, but I didn’t have to leave the room or pull out my journal. I remained present.

Home is one of the places I would disappear, even on walks with the parents I would slip into long romantic excursions with the president of the cute, untouchable boy of the month club, George Clooney, Robbie Turner, etc.

Maybe that’s why I have been avoiding going home for so long, I was building up strength, healing.

This morning, I couldn't disappear. Today, I see opportunities opening up.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Tea Would Have Been Nice



I knew I was headed for a transition, but naively I pictured a nice quiet weekend, tea in one hand, cars driving by the window, a sigh and me saying to myself: “Yes I see.”

After starting the week off on such a high, I was hit with reality. I will need to prioritize and I will need down time.

When I cry the first thing that comes to mind is my last few years in the city. When I would cry, it would last for hours and I would get scared because even though nothing bad happened I didn’t want to be by myself if it did, if my emotions got too much for me to handle. So I would go to the hospital and they would give me a bed and let me talk to psych and maybe my medications would be debated and more appointments made. The stuff I was crying about was never resolved.

So when I hit hour 2 1/2 -3 of crying last night I was worried. I finally put myself to bed at 9:30. I woke up with bloodshot eyes, but as the day went on, I sent myself little notes, my mind kept working on new things completing thoughts finding answers. I had this feeling of emptiness and clarity. I decided tonight the emptiness was good, I have been cleansed and there is room for new.

That dip in emotion also has me on alert. I don’t want to be sick again and if I do get sick I want to be aware of what’s going on.

What if all this crying is a monster leaving my body and it makes me cry because it's been part of me for so long? And I never even knew it was there…

I’ve reached a point in my life when the Dr won't have a magic pill to take the pain away. It's up to me to deal with it on my own.

I saw that what I'm looking for in my fantasies I have in real life I just have to learn to interpret it

Sunday, December 12, 2010

and this is life



I wish I could show you the pictures I took last night. I may ask for permission in the future but not right now. I don’t post pictures of me, so I’ll not put that pressure on my friends. Let’s just say I’ve fallen in love with them, the friends and the pictures.

I’ve chosen to go to these people for laughter and help and support rather than to curl up inside myself. If something happens that we part, and this is life. There will be much pain.

Last night I took the five year old Kodak EasyShare to the work Christmas party (there’s no delay, when you want to take the picture it takes it). My friends looked beautiful, and something amazing happened, I trusted myself and they trusted me. Souls come out. When I sat at their table to take a picture, friends smiled at friends, spouses held each other. One husband wrapped himself around his wife and yelled my name as I passed. I’ve never been able to take good portraits before. Sure there were some bad ones; a great lot of us had found the bar a couple times over, but I grew a little bit.

This makes me want to take my photos more seriously.

Today and yesterday I sang after a week of focusing on overtime and running and cooking cool meals. My voice is getting stronger, it’s nowhere near a place where I want to ask a professional for lessons again, but it’s a consideration. I want to keep up with it, it sets me free.




I struggle to write as much as I want to, I write a few blogs, and try to get my Julia Cameron 20 minutes of free fall a day. From this freefall I pull rough outlines of things to expand and create. I’ve spent a few weeks working on a poem that has been great to play with, but it is nowhere near shareable. I want my writing to be stronger.

I added an extra half a lap to my run last week and would like to keep that up.

Work is asking for overtime.

And I still need to read, keep the apartment up to snuff (right now it is nowhere near snuff) and cook.

I want to be a good friend to these people who I have been sharing these great experiences with.

Thinking about it has overwhelmed me, I think, I can’t do it, it’s too much, something will need to be left behind. Wah wah wah.

And then I read this by Pixie Campbell:
As the solstice approaches, I'm growing my list of everything to be released. I'll be attending my first sweat in years, since I began having babies and nursing them through, which seems to be another aspect of this transition I've been experiencing between one who has babies and one who is finished having babies. At the top of my list to release at the lodge is that grief. I cry each time (like right now) I acknowledge that I am moving beyond that sacred place. I didn't see it coming when I was in the earlier stages of my mama bliss. It really hit me when I was weaning Ivy back in the summertime.

I too am going through changes that need to be released; I’ve gone from a phone/e-mail agent to a QA. And I’m going from a person with depression, nursing and healing a sick body, to a much healthier person. My day no longer revolves around surviving, but enjoying. I need to take time and realize that, learn how that changes the daily routine.

I was thinking this Christmas wasn’t feeling like Christmas to me, maybe this year it’s a transition time more than a celebration time. A chance to tell myself I can do it. I can experiment with time and commitment and learn. A time to release the old and accept the new.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Intense



Learning in Pieces was posted at 8:05, that’s before I proof read and spell checked (as best as I can do at that time in the morning.) I had to leave at quarter after, nothing was packed, I hadn’t brushed my teeth or dried my hair. I thought, Frosty maybe you should just wait, there could be more. But I posted it.

I was challenged twice today. The first time I said "I hear you and I will change the way I approach that." That’s what this week has told me. I had to go over the line to find the balance.

The next time, it was stuff that I learned from going over the line, stuff that I felt I understood and I stood up for it; stuff that came together after this morning’s post. It was intense.

I’ve always been afraid to stand up for what I believe in, or even mention what I believe in, in case someone (me) has to be wrong. I explained why the decision was made and did all in my power to make it clear.

I looked at a friend and said don't worry, it will get better. I believe that, I understand that. I see the pattern in life. New things are hard at first and then they get better.

I came home and added an extra ½ a lap to my run, giving me permission to eat chips with my chili.

PS...due to my work it has to be vague.

MARCEL THE SHELL WITH SHOES ON from Dean Fleischer-Camp on Vimeo.

Learning in Pieces


I’ve been doing my job for close to two months now, and yesterday I felt confused like I didn’t know when I was doing. My choices were questioned and scrutinized. I knew what I made the decision I did, that would happen. And it did; in public, in front of everyone.

I just realized that as I was writing this that what happened was big. Of course I’m affected. This week I’ve felt out of sorts, writing e-mails to apologize for e-mails, feeling scattered.

This morning I found a blog on monsters. I’ve never thought about monsters as a phenomenon. Monsters as a whole, something people consciously think about when they write or tell stories. What do they represent, who are they where do they come from?

When I was young, there were ghosts in our old house and I was afraid to go to bed, even sleeping under my covers. It scared the dog that I was so scared.

This morning I also found an essay called Dealing With the Self-Doubt Monster. Synchronicity folks? It says it’s ok to feel self doubt.

“If we never stop to question ourselves and our abilities… if we brush off feedback (or never seek it), then we will likely develop a higher view ourselves and our … ability than we truly have.”

“Perfection is unattainable. We need to guard against thinking we’re already close to perfect. And we need to guard against thinking we need to be perfect. Instead, we can begin to develop a quiet confidence in our … abilities—seeing how far we’ve come, but knowing we still have room to grow.”
Jody Hedlund

I’ll keep going forward; I’ll take what I learned this week, and roll the above quotes around in my head and apply it to my work and my life. And tonight it’s me a pen and the world of monsters.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

His Name is Skylar



We went to the local animal shelters open house. We were really involved when my sister and I were little and then we went to university, it’s a hard place to be. The truth about a lot of things is in your face.

Mama Duncan started to tear up asking that the donation be put in puppies name and I decided I wanted to take home one of the rats in the reception area, and started to cry. Don’t worry, BK was ready with a list of ways to get a pet rat into a “pet free” apartment complex.

We went to the kitties first and they loved my set of keys, and I talked to all of them of course, told them all they were beautiful, found one with the same attitude of the real Frosty, quiet calculating, and after a bit she warmed up and played with the keys too. There was a pair of kittens black and black and white, bobbed tails double paws, I had to fight to get the keys back, I was sure they were going to figure out how to use the whistle.

We moved on to the dogs and the more experienced shelter people were there ready with the stories. I’ll spare you, except for Skylar. He was a 2 year old golden lab, sitting in the corner, trying to figure out why everyone was feeding him doggie cookies.

“This is Skylar, he came in this morning, his family moved and didn’t take him with them.”

I looked at Skylar and said “So you don’t understand…” Well I tried to say understand, but I instead I looked at Mama Duncan and said “Now that makes me cry.”

I left ready to ask the mean landlord if a rat was acceptable, but he chewed me out for spilling dry laundry soap on the laundry room floor. He left a note and waited until he heard me come back downstairs to chew me out personally.

I’m 30 cough years old and stepping out of an all encompassing fight to get well. I’m single and not sure what to do with all this emotion. There’s a real part of me that’s ready for the responsibility and I need to have something in my life I can nurture and take care of. And two kitties are much more practical than a baby.

I saw a picture on a blog of a writer, writing at her coffee table, two cats on her lap and one on the floor beside her. I thought; that’s what I want. #1 talks about her cats sitting at her face waiting for her to wake up and feed them. I want that. I remember coming home and Roxie jumping up on the table so she could see me better. “Kitty Kisses” I’d say, and she’d bow her head forward and I would kiss the top of her head. I want that.

So the search may be on for a little apartment that allows cats. I may be ready.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

See You Later


I ran a around a farm taking pictures from 9 until 11:00. I then proceeded to run around the neighbouring town, also with the camera in hand and came home at 2:00 where I crashed on the couch. Feeling tired I made a list of all the things I needed to do. My friend left me a note on Facebook and asked if it was me she saw out jogging. As I was answering her (no it wasn't)it then dawned on me that I was exhausted. Most of the list is waiting until tomorrow. I did get some Christmas wrapping done, well, until the paper ran out.

His status on Facebook said “See you later Jean.” It’s been ten years since I’ve seen this person, ten years since I’d seen Jean. She directed Arcadia at university and I was assistant stage manager. When I need a good memory of University, after friends, comes the production of Arcadia. It moved beyond the politics (sure it was there) and productions near the end left me crying at the mercy of history professors or waiting in the wings trying to shut them out, I embrace the memories of Arcadia and how well it worked.

Jean died yesterday of a blood cancer.

For a moment there was a flash, that some time in the future in heaven or future lives or whatever, but somewhere in the future we would all be together again, maybe putting together rosencrantz and guildenstern are dead, heading over to a house where most of the theatre department could be found; drinking, reading monologues and debating the lighting techniques of Casablanca into the night.

I started reading a crappy story; I knew it was crappy when I picked it out at a library sale over the summer. This whole thing reminds me of how important it is to find a well written piece. How important it is to talk about it, and to make it come alive. I want to read something that can breathe.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Rapsberry Muffins



2 cups brown rice flour
1 cup almond meal/flour
1tsp xanthan gum
1/2 tsp baking powder

2/3 cup brown sugar
1 egg
1 1/2 cups soy milk
juice of 1 lemon
1/4 cup earth balance (butter or margine) melted
2 tsp vanilla

2 cups frozen raspberries

preheat oven to 375 (190) and grease muffin pans

In large bowl combine 1st four dry ingredients

In another whisk brown sugar and wet ingredients pour over dry and add raspberries. Stir until just moistened.

Bake for 25- 30 minutes... Mine took 30.

It made a dozen if you notice, there are some missing

Thursday, December 2, 2010

"Real safety is your willingness to not run away from yourself."

random neighbourbood cat


I created great fantasies in my head: weddings, marriages, children, parties in my perfect house with my perfect family; all that stuff. There were great meetings of old friends from another time and amazing accomplishments. I was distracted from the right now and I believe when I do it, I drain my energy.

This weekend I realized when I do create fantasies and day dreams they have to be about me achieving my next goal; for me.

If I slip into one of those old fantasies, I imagine myself running and set a goal for me. On Saturday I decided I wanted to join the charity committee. On Sunday whenever I slipped away I would bring myself back by thinking about walking up to the Charity Committee Head and asking her to include me.

On Monday I went to see her, I was so sure of myself and wasn’t scared at all.

On Sunday night I simply thought how beautiful it would be to have a baby sleeping beside me. It’s still a fantasy but I found strength and I’ve always had strong dreams about babies.

In the last 6 days I have slept harder, had more vivid dreams and more synchronicity type connections with people then I have had in a long time.



After I wrote a similar letter to the secret keeper she mentioned Pema Chödrön, so I googled Pema Chödrön and fantasy and came up with this right away.

The way I understand it is that we rob ourselves of being in the present by always thinking that the payoff will happen in the future.
The only place ever to work is right now. We work with the present situation rather than a hypothetical possibility of what could be. I like any teaching that encourages us to be with ourselves and our situation as it is without looking for alternatives. The source of all wakefulness, the source of all kindness and compassion, the source of all wisdom, is in each second of time. Anything that has us looking ahead is missing the point.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Metaphor Maybe



I will often start reading a book one weekend, not finishing it, and starting another one a few days later. 2 weeks ago I started reading Gandhi’s autobiography and became extremely connected to it. It brought forward contrasting pieces of my childhood and made me think about who I am and who I was. I was sure that I would spend every spare moment I had reading that book. While I was reading it I couldn’t figure out how I was going to function knowing that book was there waiting for me. But then, there was another project which needed another book.

Like Gandhi’s there are a few books that I have started and need to go back to. I usually remember reading them and realize that this is the time to consider them again. I hated Atonement the first time I started to read it and a year later it became one of my favorites. When I go back to them, they’re still there, even if there was a long span of time from the last time I turned the pages until now.

I also know that through all the craziness, it’s often nice to take a chunk of time in your week and set it aside for an old book. Something like The Hobbit or Jane Eyre; I like to choose my favorite part and just focus on that and nothing else. I see how I’ve changed since the last time I’ve read it. I know how wonderful a good book, like good friend, can make you feel.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Chickpea and Corn Salad


1 can chickpeas
1 yellow pepper chopped
1 red pepper chopped
1 large tomato chopped
1 cup corn kernels
3 scallions chopped
2 cloves garlic minced
1 tsp dried oregano
1 tsp dried basil
Juice of ½ a lime
Ground black pepper to taste

Combine all ingredients in bowl. Serve Chilled.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Chipping Paint


Today was about retouching some of the chipping paint of me. Of all the movies I own I pulled out Michael Apted’s Amazing Grace. I love Wilberforce’s passion about life and his conviction to fight for what he believes in. The love that he has for the people around him and the animals he has. (I don’t know anything about the man other than this movie… I suppose I should keep looking.)

Today I was watching the cars go by the window and the tiny bits of snow falling down and thought about how safe it all was. About how the worst thing about B’town was that it was boring and they’ve dug up the main street.

For two years I lived on the bad end of the city. I would pass by people in many different states of inebriation, I was asked once if I “wanted to go for a ride” in a big white van. I passed police tape, homeless shelters, and soup kitchens to get home. Things to fight for were around me and I was only able to fight for me. In B’town, things are cleaner. It's easy to forget that there are still things in the world I can be passionate about changing.

I know about surviving depression, knock on wood that my life keeps getting better and the curtains keep opening to the sunrise. I’m passionate about animal and human rights but keep my opinions to myself, so I don’t to upset others, or show my short comings. But maybe now that life is getting better I can start stepping out and learning about things around me, hearing what has been covered up to make my world look beautiful. Starting point, charity group at work; they’re in touch with different organizations around town. Start small, with what is close and with people I know…

William Wilberforce: It's God. I have 10,000 engagements of state today but I would prefer to spend the day out here getting a wet arse, studying dandelions and marveling at... bloody spider's webs.

Richard the Butler: You found God, sir?

William Wilberforce: I think He found me. You have any idea how inconvenient that is? How idiotic it will sound? I have a political career glittering ahead of me, and in my heart I want spider's webs.

Richard the Butler: [sitting down next to WW] "It is a sad fate for a man to die too well known to everybody else and still unknown to himself." Francis Bacon. I don't just dust your books, sir.

I don't have a song today; if you're adventurous look for Tara MacLean's "Generation Z"

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Say it Again; Until You Feel it all Over


I remember buying a little chest of ... drawers once and I was so intrigued by it, the colour of it, and I thought, this, if I let it could be the beginning of a new life for me, if I follow the message of this new set of drawers and built everything else around that, that would be a different life. Daniel Lanois.

I have this heart, beating inside my chest; I want to build my life around the gifts it sends every day.

The books I love to read. The music I love to listen to. The people who I draw to me and who are drawn. The food I love to make and eat. The dreams I explore and that push me forward.

The universe has not stopped sending me gifts; the universe has only just started to send me love.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Real Time

This is real. This is me, right here, right now. It's not a story or a poem or a fantasy. It's me. I'm here. I'm breathing. I have a real job, I have a home that I love being in. I have friends that I like to share my time with. I'm living my life.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Breathe


Robert David Bretz


It’s the oldest one in the book. Follow your heart. But which voice is the heart?

I needed to scrape away all the other voices. What my friends said, the voice that said reach out and grab it and don’t let go till it’s yours and you have what’s in your head. The low self esteem that says I’m not worth it and that I’m a freak; the good kind though. The voice that said I'm being laughed at when I reach out; a voice that’s being healed by friends.

The voice of my heart has always been there, out in front of the others. Through all the chaos it’s remained constant. Take care of myself, and take care of those around me in the process. Share what I’ve learned, listen to what others say and love.

I take care of myself and take care of my friends as if they were me, I don’t use them and I’m honest with them. We like each other for who we are.

And that’s me. I feel much better.
<3

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Can't Sleep, New Trick



Saw Unstoppable with #1 apparently it's not acceptable to clap out loud when Chris Pine says "We're gonna run the bitch down."

I was called me to double check some calls. My opinion is trusted.

I feel more comfortable with the people in "the box," the small room where I work.

I'm finally getting a higher number of calls done. So I'm catching on.

The mornings are getting better.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Morning



This dream, tangled in sleepy veins of red blush
Follows a path to my eyes, to my heart
Piercing the mouth of the horizon


Waking strings become taut
Their voice lifts me from my sleep
Movement begins for a marionette of the sun


The moon sinks into the cusp of my shoulder
Brown hairs shine like the wet bark of trees
While grays twinkle with the now banished stars


This dream reaches out to the mirror
Trusting my reflection with my soul
It ties me in the same love I give my friends

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

time and space


Some of the people around me don’t read a lot.

I’ve been struggling since All the Pretty Horses to find something that grabs me. Nothing has. There are a lot of books I want to read.

I sat down with a book about writing poetry. Creating Poetry by John Drury. I told them at the bookstore that I wanted something about writing poetry. Bird by Bird was suggested. I have Bird By Bird. I wanted to look back at the inns and outs of poetry, more mechanics. At the bookstore the owners went through the Writer’s Digest catalogue until we found this book. I’m interested in it; it’s what I’m supposed to read right now.

I have a bookshelf full of books to read. When that book and I match up in time and space, I will read it. That is why, when people ask me how many of them I’ve read I say half. I’ve read half; that half I want to hold on to . The other half are there for when I’m ready; when I feel it, when we connect.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Mimosas

It’s just me in my apartment
My music
My words
My choices
Sometimes in my mind
Time jumps
Unfinished projects
Are easy to find

Books layer the shelves
It’s time for another
Yet I never have time to read
The coffee table
Is lined with music
I Dreamed a Dream
I Believe
Many the Miles

Journals and works in progress
Recipes for later
Sitting on your half
Of the couch
Let me explain
Since you’re visiting
Unexpectedly
I only use
Half the couch

For naps and tea

You’ve noticed
The shoes
They make me happy
In the summer
They all wait
At the door
The sneakers
The flip flops with dragon flies
The pretty pink cloth

My choices
So opposite
Of who I believe I am
But I wear them in defiance
Until I’m the person
I feel I should be

I have a special blanket
On the couch
I bought it
10 years ago
It was the kind
The hotel used
I felt so special
To have the same blanket
As a fancy hotel

My living room
Is designed
For the freedom
Of imagination
Without realizing
I slip into a world
Of day dreaming

Let me tell you
I tried so hard
To build a relationship
With myself
So I could
Let others in

No matter what I tried
Food and depression
Would shake up
All the logic
I tried to teach
Friends would push
Me in a safe direction
I would bounce right back

And now I let you
Wonder around
My house
My apartment
My ideas

Lets both go
To the day dream
We’re eating French toast;
Because it’s a day dream
We’re on a deck
Overlooking the
Eiffel Tower
I’ve chosen you
You’re here
Right now

We each have a mimosa
In our hands
We laugh and cheer
“Here’s to being spoiled”

And you say
Come back
There’s more
To being spoiled
Than shoes
And day dreams

And there may be
More miles
Of healing
And reality
Yet to come


Because of this poem, I took the overflow of books off the shoe rack and asked for a second bookshelf for my birthday. If it wasn’t my birthday I would have bought a bookshelf anyway. I then used the shoe rack for shoes- go figure right?

I am now taking extra time on the weekend to organize for the week, even if it means missing out on some play time. Although Mama Duncan did organize the office side of my couch for me.

Last but not least there is the ever present vow to see the reality of the moment rather than slip off in a day dream; unless I can turn it into writing. Tink and the secret keeper will probably be the ones to get updates on the day dreams, trust me I’m in good hands.


the twins

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Bin Bullies


#1 took one side of the bin at the second hand clothing store, and I took the other. We owned the Bin. No one came in and tried to mess up our sorting style. Well one little lady picked up a few pieces and walked away; hence the nick-name.

I’m learning not everyone does second hand cloths shopping like I do. When I went with Tink she came out with 2 or 3 items. #1 walked away with a skirt some comfy pants and a shirt I think, the lady in front of us had a purse and a book.

I did not walk out of there with one or two items. I like to scoup cloths up, see their colours and their cut and rescue them from a life in the bin. I like that the cloths I get there are unique and cheap. I had things that I was looking for and found. Fancy pin stripped dress pants for $2.00.

Plus, we’re going business casual at work, so I can’t always depend on my jeans.

#1 and I split up at the mall. I needed to pick up stuff at the drug store and she had mall stuff to do. I walked out and looked around. I was alone. I took a deep breath and got back into the Frosty Zone, where it’s OK to be alone.

I was very glad that I enjoyed a day with a friend.

I found this video this morning. I rewrote this blog a few times to take the joke off being a bully, because in the cases we hear about today, it's much worse then two girls hogging a bin on a slow sunday afternoon.

It's so important to be yourself, live healthy and true to your soul.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

it’s squash


Last night I hung out the team leads from work. We proceeded to laugh and tell stores and hear stories until 1:00 in the morning. There was even food I could eat. I dare say, you’ve never heard anyone get so excited over a vegetable tray; with a chorus of “there you go Frosty, get your own plate.”

If someone asks you what vegetable is not in V8: it’s squash.

Today I went to the independent bookstore down the street. I go there to order my books now. They’re nice and friendly. Today the owner laughed and laughed over a Christmas gift I ordered. Then he walked out of the office with the three books I had previously ordered. Three big, juicy, wordy books with shiny covers; I know my eyes got wide and glossy when I saw them. Two of them I ordered without seeing them first, or knowing that much about them. When I saw them I knew I had done right; we were made for each other.

Now I just need to sit down and read.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

What if?




Miss D (you needed a name) looked at me yesterday and said "you look happy." Sigh

I was empowerd by the "what if" question. In elementary school our grade six teacher said "don't ask me a question if it starts with what if." My writer of a teacher many years later always said "what if" but who knew it would take 20 years to understand the beauty of "what if."

What if I touched his hand? Would lighting run through my arm?

What if this rain never stops and my sneakers never dry and my feet permanantly wrinkle.

What if I feel like a peter gabriel song today?

What if I'm wonderful the way I am?

What of I only listened to my heart and there was no logic?

What if all there was, was logic.

What if I lived on a farm with chickens and cows? (Yes this is meant to be funny)

What if I really have to love myself. Not just logicaly but really?

What if like many writers do, I create a hero for my imagination and see myself and those around me for who they really are? (I'm getting better)

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

I am

What if roses bloomed all winter?
Their petals soft
Their hearts fragrant
Against the crystal snow


It was a tough day, I captured this tweet in the morning You have the power to make your day the best possible. You can always control your thoughts/action/emotions. I am beyond depression now, I was given sadness and I sorted my way through it. I have the power to take those silly little stresses and make them positives right away. I had the power to take tiny frustrations and turn them to smiles today.

I'm not going to share music tonight. In 1985 1986 I saw an interview that has stuck with me for 24 years. Tonight I found it on you tube and sent it to my friend. I don't know how to put a video on a blog so it looks like a video so I'll continue to hide it in the words.

I am Anne of Green Gables.


I was going to wait to get a better picutre and it got closer to the holidays, but here's a pic of my lights around my Piano Keyboard.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Things are Good Today


Day light savings gave me an extra push in the morning.

Discovered Ingrid Michaelson.

It stopped raining long enough to have a good run.
(Was going to run even if it was raining - no rain was a bonus)

Liked my job today.

Wanted to stay after work and talk to my friends (they were working).

Bought the coolest lights to put on my keyboard.

Things are good.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

good moments to come


Maybe it has to really hurt. Maybe there comes a point in your life or maybe there are many, where you can’t get angry and walk away from everything in a stew, you can’t shut it out and say it doesn’t matter, you can’t make a joke about it and have it all go away. Maybe it just hurts for a while.

I couldn’t run on Thursday night. I needed that energy to work my feelings out. Life isn’t just taking baby steps right now, it’s coming at me full force.

Like, I’m not just rereading what I’ve written, trying to make it sound good, I’m learning things about me from secrets in the text. I look forward to the days to come where there is safety again, or maybe, I’ve said good bye to safety for a while; “bring it.” But right now there are challenges that have come up that haven’t been previously scheduled or imagined.

I’ve never once thought: maybe I wasn’t ready. I’ve never thought this wasn’t a good idea.

I’ve learned a lot over the last little while. I was under the illusion that if you kept learning things about yourself that it would be a positive experience, that you would only be stronger and “wiser.” It’s not like an episode of Oprah where she jumps up saying “isn’t that wonderful ‘A Ha’ moment?” There are parts that really take a toll on me as I look at myself face to face, and in the eyes of strangers.

This is the first time I’ve switched a job and I wasn’t angry, I didn’t hate the job, I wasn’t sick, I didn’t want to run away from the people because there were things to hide. I recognized the newness about getting a promotion in an organization and now I realize there is also a lot emotionally going on with the change as well.

Yesterday, I woke up early. I had time in the morning to just sit and relax, before I went to work. I haven’t done that since I jumped into the 9:00 am start. I had a moment to sit on the couch and look out the window. I knew I was going to see a movie with my favorite girls. 1.5 and I exchanged work e-mails all day. So I felt connected; surrounded. When I came home I made a phone call to Tink, no panic attacks or second thoughts. The movie was hilarious. I love watching movies with these girls because we get there early to talk. We all laugh and then we laugh at each other laughing. I had a good day and I had a good night.

There are a lot of hard times yet to come. There are also more good moments to come.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

I said "Self"

I wasn’t going to write a blog tonight
I probably shouldn’t
I said “Self, curl up
And read about writing.
Or just read.”

Side tracked
I read the Mimosa over and
Realized there was
A great amount of sadness
In the words
A loneliness to what I thought
Was a greatness of independence
Of what being spoiled was
Of what happens to a person
When they are truley spoiled

I said "Self some of the things that
Have been making you cry
Are celebrated here and make you lonely as well."
I can see I have put my "love" into
And why it makes me sad lately.

I totally re-wrote it again.
And didn't repost because
I will redo it again
Probably tomorrow

I like that I am teaching myself
Learning.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Mimosa Revisited


I posted Crazy Dream a few days ago, it came alive. I posted Mimosa after that, to let it free, so I could think about it. It doesn't live like Crazy Dream, so I'm going to mess around with it, make it come a live. Tonight I wrote out what it really is, the honesty of it.

It’s just me in my apartment so sometimes there are papers scattered everywhere. I put them on the floor, the coffee table is lined with music books. My journals and works in progress along with some recipes are sitting on half the couch. It’s quite an explanation if a friend comes over unexpectedly, here let me move that for you, oh, I’d rather you not read it. The other half of my couch is for me.

In the summer I take my shoes off at the door and they all line the hall. The sneakers, the flip flops with dragon flies, the pretty pink ones that are made of cloth so tender and opposite of who I believe I am but I wear them in defiance. I feel happy when I see all of them lined up; all the colours, all the designs.

Sometimes I just sit on my couch and without realizing it, I look around at the peace and comfort I have and slip into a world of day dreaming. My living room has been designed for the freedom of imagination.

Often I will read a book or follow a new blog instead of cleaning the kitchen. I push the envelope as to what is acceptable. I have special blankets on the couch, the throw with the orange kitten, or the blanket I bought 10 years ago because it was the kind the hotel used. I felt so special to have the same blanket as a fancy hotel.

I tried so hard to build a relationship with myself over the years. No matter what I tried food and depression would shake up all the logic I tried to teach it. My friends would push me in a safe direction and I would bounce right back. It’s only been the last couple years when things have started to make sense. I’m learning to hear myself and hear others.

Let me take you back to that day dream. I’m eating French Toast; because it’s a day dream and I can eat whatever I want in a day dream. We’re on a deck overlooking the Eiffel Tower, I’ve chosen you, because you’re here with me now. We each have a mimosa in our hands and we laugh and cheer “Here’s to being spoiled.”

Monday, November 1, 2010

Blogging on my Lunch Break and Emailing it Home


I bought an Oprah Magazine last weekend; this weekend I devoured it. I stopped buying it about a year ago because there's really not a lot in it that I like. I only really like the Martha Beck article, maybe an article or two after that. I usually can't eat the food and have no desire to order any of the things advertised in it.

This weekend I had time, lots of time. I took a cab ride home from the groceries so I only made one trip. I didn't need to go to anyplace special and the plans I had for Sunday were canceled due to the weather. I wrote and read and read and wrote and ate. On Sunday I had no vegetables which meant less prep time, more writing and reading (long live nachos and soy cheese). As I thumbed through the articles in the big O I heard the positive affirmations over and over again. I realized this is something I love. I eat it up. This is something I want to live, I want to pass along.

The magazine was all about changing you career and following your intuition. I know that I love to write. Until a month ago I earned my income writing e-mails. Now is a chance to take the things that I’ve learned about being positive and encouraging people. I can use this to monitor calls.

I guess on the first day of the month it’s pretty slow. A monitor can’t be done from the month before even if it was yesterday. So I had some free time while the calls came in. So I reread my manual and rewrote all my notes. I wasn’t even consciously thinking about what I read.

My boss wrote me later saying a certain comment was not what we’re looking for, why don’t we do it better. At which point I replied that “I got rid of it this morning.” Synchronicity maybe? I was a little rusty in the beginning, but maybe I’ll get my positive eyes back. I can look at my notes tomorrow as I read them aware of what I’ve read this weekend and in the past.

I had the choice to go out partying. But I felt so centered on Saturday that I stayed in. I was lonely on Sunday, but I saw today how it all panned out. Next weekend the movies maybe?

I love how the cast of Les Mis have great English accents.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Mimosas

My papers are scattered
All over the floor
My shoes have all jumped
From the safety of the closet
Now they are running down the hall
Just like my dreams
Free from my imagination
And wild
Holding my body in stillness
All I can do is day dream
While it would take five minutes
To clean the kitchen floor
I pour some ginger tea
Cover my painted toes
With a soft blanket
I have had for ten years
Which is younger then the relationship
I have just rekindled with myself
I slip into a world of
French toast on a Parisian deck
Overlooking the Eiffel tower
Wind blowing through white blouses
Cheering myself with mimosas
Saying “here’s to being spoiled”

Saturday, October 30, 2010

‘good enough’

May be ‘good enough’ is something I need to hear over and over again. Rather than see all that I don’t have; I need to say “this is what I have today and tomorrow I will add all I have learned today to that list of things that make me ‘good enough.’”

Friday, October 29, 2010

I Understand So It's not so Scary


I’ve read about it before, there’s a change you really want, and you know it’s the right decision to make so you move forward, so you advance. Even though you know all the good things about it, the transition still makes you cry.

So I work really hard during the day, even taking my breaks with the agents rather than going down to the break room to get a snack and be away from the floor.

It’s like spending the day alone. I don’t want to tell my deepest secrets to these strangers, like I did with my peeps. We’re not there yet. I’m not there yet.

There’s work to do and I don’t know the secrets to chatting and getting the work done.

Today, I miss all my friends on the floor. Things I was used to. Today, I miss the way it was.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Set Me Free


Here’s my weakness. It’s a weakness to me because I know logically it’s very different. The last little while my friends have sent a lot of love and admiration my way; I know I love them and I appreciate it in ways I can’t put it into words, but I don’t think I feel like other people. As strong and independent as I am I still long for that special relationship with a man.

Today, for a moment, #1 set me free. CERRIDWEN and I went to see Life as We Know It last night; that, as well as a friends baby announcement made me cry about pieces of me I still need to understand and maybe it’s ongoing. I’ve always told people I didn’t want a baby that was the truth as I knew it; logically I don’t want a baby, but inside I think about it all the time. #1 said, “But Frosty, I don’t think about it. It’s not finished for you.” She says, “There’s always adoption, you can always have a baby if you want one.”

I was running after work and I pictured it, me with better pay, a house (or condo as I stated before) and a baby; there didn’t need to be a guy and the copious amounts of antidepressants didn’t matter. It doesn’t matter if it’s going to be something I work towards, there’s still logic and I know nothing about babies. But it’s a jump off point, everything was clear for a moment, I could be loved by myself and my friends and that was enough.

Maybe that’s what love is, not that when I see them I well up inside, but that in a run of a day they set me free, make me laugh, listen to me, hear me and help me get a little stronger and a little braver, because of them I see things a little clearer. I guess that’s what love is for me.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Honesty


I like to hide behind sarcasm and humor and disappear into unreal fantasy’s that keep me from living life to the fullest in the moment. This week I made a promise, to me, to be honest with myself. I also made a promise to the secret keeper, who mentioned my sarcasm many moons ago. I told her that when we talk I trust her with my truth, and I will try to be as honest as I can. I also told my friends around me that that is what I’m focused on. Because that’s what I need right now.

I’m ready to put away the delusions, instead of day dreaming all the time, take that time to focus on what is really happening around me (some day dreams necessary) and focus on writing instead. I made that promise Sunday, and have had a few great writing sessions and feel more confident interacting with people around me.

I’m trained as a QA and monitored my first call yesterday. I was nervous and anxious and called the centre 7 hours away to make sure I was doing it right. Today, I sink my teeth in.

Monday, October 18, 2010

I've learned how to cry and I'm better for that

sara bareilles


My apartment is designed for imagination. There are pictures that my mom and I took of bright colours and flowers. There is a huge window with a full keyboard in front of it. There is people watching that can be done at the window, it’s also a great place to drink tea and look up at the sky. There are over a hundred books and CD’s to choose from and pages of blank paper to be written on. I have a laptop to type on and a camera to take pictures when I go for a walk or go on an adventure.

I’m not bragging, except to say that short of owning my own home (condo is on the perfect house list, no backyard and many floors above ground) and being owned by felines, I have created a place I want to be. And from here I have created a person who is surrounded by people that I like and trust, which has to mean that in some way I like and trust me. A place where I feel safe enough to share the truth with people, and hear the truth from people, and maybe it will affect me, but that’s ok.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Car


I was going through Indigo and felt at peace. I looked from book to book and was satisfied. I didn’t buy any books, which is unusual. My brain kept saying the bookstore is so close, I’ll come back when I need books. But I’m 7 hours away from home. I couldn’t figure out if my brain felt that this was close to home, or if I thought that when I left I’d be back in my apartment in B’Town. But I loved being in a city, loved the satisfaction of taking a map and navigating a place I’d never been in before. I loved getting in a cab and saying "take me to the bookstore."

I want to enhance my ability to travel and go places on my own. So that I can pick up and visit people and places that are car drives away. Driving scares me though. On the walk to work the other day I stood at the cross walk waiting while the light was green to go. I can’t do that if I’m driving.

I would always have to know which side of the road is the correct one to drive on.

When my aunt was teaching me to drive many years ago, I headed off down the road and was quite upset that another car was coming toward me in the same lane. Well, needless to say, it was me in the wrong lane. I can’t do that, but I’m scared that I would. Where is the line that says it’s just me being scared, to it’s me knowing that I really can’t process what’s going on around me in the time, making me an unsafe driver?

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Travel Bug


Work was intense, four of us in a room making sure we all agreed on the marks to give a phone call. I had never monitored a phone call before. I spent the first little while anxious and all of a sudden I was asked for my opinions and to back up my answers. I hoped for a moment that one of my friends was there to do the explaining for me. And then, because they’re seven hours away I piped up and explained why I would mark this call this section the way I did even if no one else did. I was passionate about it and the woman teaching the course said that what I had said was valid and I could stop worrying about being the baby/newbie of the group. The whole experience gave me confidence.

The instructor and her wife took me to see a beach the first night and we went to this gorgeous beach that didn’t seem to stop and I watched her dogs jump and play. We then went to what we thought was a pub, but my meal was only a little less than a night in my hotel room. I’m paying for most of my own meals anyway, so I don’t feel so guilty about charging this to the company. Dinner was so good and the restaurant was very accommodating to my diet. Although the first salad they brought did have ham, so I needed to send it back. The onions in the salad were the sweetest tangiest onions I have ever tasted.

Today the plan was to get over early, but we worked and debated and got confused and made agreements from 8 am until 4 pm. It was intense and I feel confident and not so scared of the training I will get next week, to actually learn how to do my job. I‘m ready.

At four o clock I came back to my room, changed into jeans and sneakers, asked the cab driver drop me off in the middle of the city with a map and found my way (there was a little backtracking until I got my bearings) Took some pictures and heard the clicking of cash machines, there are some cool Christmas presents in the future. And I may have caught the travel bug. This has been a very positive experience.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Isolation and Connection

"The suspense and tension of ‘A Single Man’ is starting to build. It was starting to overwhelm me and suck me in last night. The constant spoken word and the images that surround the story followed by the intense dialogue; I really don’t know what happens in the movie. I only know the critics really liked it and it was a movie I was supposed to watch.” Freefall from this morning’s journal…

While I ate lunch I finished the movie and am still completely blown away by it.

“The film is about romance, it’s also about isolation, and the isolation that we all feel, and I think that most people spend a good deal of our lives trying to connect, trying to connect with another person.” Tom Ford: Making of A Single Man

When I switched from the museum job to catering I wanted to know what it was like to live a few years going to parties and having a good time through work, just be surrounded by socialization. I didn’t feel I had the strength or the ability to be social outside of the workplace. In yesterdays blog I worried about going from being surrounded by all those people to being in a room of five.

I keep thinking and trying to discover ways to not be isolated. How much of my life is natural to sit and write and write and how much of it should be spent trying to connect and make friendships happen and of course how much will happen naturally.

Friendships aren't always natural to me, although a lot of great moments have happened without thought; others have taken large breaths, and giant steps forward, thinking and trying very hard to step out of the shell that is Frosty Duncan.

I loved the suspense of the gun being in the briefcase while he taught the class. The girl in blue, after it was explained that blue was spiritual. So many great moments. It made me think of friendships that last overtime and don’t just fade because things change. The conversation between George and the student as they buy a pencil sharpener.



People have always called me a writer, and I've always had goals to be a writer, with blogging and twitter I've become overwhelmed with how "small I am" watching this makes me realize I need to go back to the learning faze, keep writing of course, but there is a lot of learning to be better.

I’ve doubted the last little while about why I still try to write when so many other people are so much “bigger” at it and sitting down today and looking at this film I realize that I have to keep trying to write, no matter how small it is to the rest of the world, it’s big to me. It’s something that feeds me.



I feel sad about all this as well. I was asked to go visit my relatives this weekend, and I knew there were things that I needed to figure out. I also knew, that because of how different I feel around them, it would not naturally evolve, and because I need to spend tomorrow getting ready for the trip I needed to be by myself today.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Different

The hotel confirmation is sitting in my e-mail box. I just wrote to the lady who is going to drive us the six - seven hour drive and teach the class. And my schedule has been updated to accommodate the hours of the new position. I think it may be safe to feel a little excited again.

I’ll be in a little room with 5 other people with the new job. That’s different then a room with at least a hundred in my program. Although I’ll still see most to say “hi;” I won’t be walking around talking and laughing with them as I answer questions. I've sat by and with the same people for at least a year. I've been surrounded by a program full of people for four years. Different.



We bought “new” cloths today; if I can get the foundation off the Halloween costume I bought at the second hand store I’ll have a cool Halloween costume. I feel safe getting fun and interesting cloths, although what I’ve posted probably won’t be seen in public, unless there’s a theme day at work. But who could pass it up.

Went shopping with my mom, cleaned the store of rectangular storage containers that I can put different types of flours in; I think it went well.

Went to the music store in town and asked if they could order some Sara Bareilles music books for me, the lady at the store had never heard of her. The last music store I was in was in the city, I sat in the middle of the floor (the guy there said it was ok and now I often find myself sitting on the floor in all bookstores) and put all the books in front of me and told myself I could pick one classical and one to sing along to. Today wasn’t like that; it wasn’t my type of music.

That and I haven’t listened to the radio in forever.

I still haven’t tackled the pumpkin pie, and am finding writing very difficult, not smooth, not the natural flood of emotions that need to be explored and solved.

I’ve started to think about activities to do in the evening, things that don’t revolve around work.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

I'll Be Honest


Today sucked ass.

I’m all for finding the silver lining. I’m all for seeing the unicorn and the rainbow in empty match box. But there’s no way to write today into something positive. I don’t even think there’s a lesson in it. It just sucked.

I either need major time to myself or major people time. I can’t decide. There’s stuff I’m trying to figure out and I need to look at it at a different way.

I can tell by what happened this morning it’s going to be hit and miss. And this morning was a miss.

There’s stuff that’s happening that should make me happy. And it’s not, and that makes me feel sad and confused. Getting here has made me sad and frustrated and those emotions are winning. Hopefully I’m up for writing next week when I jump some land lines for 2 days and start my new position…

Finally, I hope.

Last night I had a dream I was singing "If you fall down today; stand tall tomorrow." It was that type of day.


The only thing I did to the picture is upload it. It's not mine.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Shift


There’s a shift and although the foundation is strong, the walls are cracked and there is dust everywhere. I’ve tried to write paragraphs and lines for a blog entry but there’s so much in suspension. No concrete answers that I like, it’s all very much in motion. There are questions I’m dealing with. Usually I have goals but right now they’re just questions.

Why do I do what I do?

What do I want to accomplish?

Where do I want to go with my writing?

How do I take advantage of all the overwhelming information I’m getting from the web about life and writing?

Why do I feel lonely when I pull out a piece of writing that needs revision?

What do I want to get from my job?

How do I focus more time away from the job and on things and the life I want outside of work?

What changes need to be made over the next little while to make my life better?

How do I start looking for fulfillment outside of work?

How much stepping out of the cocoon that is my apartment do I need to do?

How important is the piano and is it a distraction from doing writing?

What things do I say "yes" to?

No, I’m allowed to say “no” to things right, if an opportunity or friendship doesn’t feel right I’m allowed to back away. I don’t need to say “yes” to everything.

Am I settling or do I need to go bigger?

I need to look outside my work for answers.

Are writing and music something I have to do? Or a distraction from depression, something that has kept me occupied as I was unable to get out of the house? Unable to get out of my head? Everything feels like it needs to be reevaluated.

I’m not used to so many questions without an answer. Part of me feels stalled by the job. That I can’t make the next step with it the way it is. That needs to lead to some of the answers I’m looking for. A shift. I don’t want to share this; it feels like I’m falling apart.

I feel I can look outside my apartment for things, to talk to friends to help with emotions and finding the balance. But that means a shift.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Wait this IS Me.


Had a great afternoon with Tink, they kindly asked us to leave the coffee shop; no one stays out past 5:00 in B’town, even on a Friday night. Needed a face to face friend chat. We'd done a lot of writing back and forth, but this sealed my strength. People are becoming important to me. She kept me up to date with the gossip from work, and we talked about ourselves.

Being sick and drinking ten litres of orange juice and eating multiple "enjoy life" cookies (because I was sick and didn't care) in a 5 day stretch has done wonders for my pants not fitting.

But the big thing is I feel stronger and more in touch with me. Like whatever my groove is, I think I got it back. I just have to make sure I don't get run over by a steam roller in a construction zone.

Got an e-mail from work; laughed. But I think I figured out the code, if not, 1.5 has requested help with e-mail. We'll see what this week brings, I'll keep you updated.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

THE POETS OF OLD CHINA
MARY OLIVER

Wherever I am, the world comes with me.
It offers me its busyness. It does not believe
that I do not want it. Now I understand
why the poets of old China went so far and high
into the mountains, then crept into the pale mist.



I tried to get away this week, to work on poems and stuff. I have a small apartment all to myself, where the only part of the world I let in are the cars that pass by and my friends’ e-mails. It ended up I needed to week to know how my world is affecting me. I now find myself free to write poetry and am processing incidents that have happened to me in the past ten years that will affect the next few weeks of decisions. They are being processed in an orderly fashion.

I don’t want to shut out the world all the time, but a few more days to write poetry and explore these feelings will be nice.

I’m not ready to face work.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Control



I was so sad and exhauseted I cried for like 24 hours, I thought maybe it was the milk because it was a brand I don't use very often, but this morning I don't have the regular sensitivities. There were so many great plans for the summer, and everyone worked really hard this summer, we worked overtime and I didn’t get to do all the things outside of work I had planned at the start. But we all really bonded inside. Now we’re going through a bunch of changes and coming off the high and people are going off in different directions and promotions and it all hit me hard, with a sore throat, runny nose, cold and tears.

Sometimes we get sick to weaken us and make us get right to the bottom of stuff, we get sick because we’ve been bottling stuff up inside, not seeing what we need to see, to lay it all out in the open, to be honest about things and see things, it beats down our immune system. Makes us appreciate what we had, and allows us to move forward, even when we thought we already had, even if we have to do it again and again. There are bigger things at work in this universe than I can ever imagine understanding; and I, and my confused emotions are only one small bit.

I keep going back and reading what I wrote to my friends who I leaned on heavily the last couple days, denounce what I was writing as as just sick rambling, but there are truths there.

I made it through, I saw what I had, what I learned this summer and I will take it on to the next thing that comes at me, the whole world doesn’t stop with a change.

I'm Ok now, but my body hasn't needed a break this much in a long time. I'm glad I fought for the vacation. I'm glad I started to cry that day at work and listened to that little voice that said, "you need this vacation."

The road trip tomorrow is off, I can hardly make it to the store to get orange juice without losing my breath and geting tired. This week is for rest and healing.

I planned many great and wonderful things to do on my vacation, and my body said, stick with reading the poetry, but take more naps and have more crys.

I think we can't expect people to love us the way we want them to, we have to accept the love they give, as they are able, and we have to love them as we know how. That's the lesson I learned.

Writing that makes me want to scream, because I want to have total control over everything. But thats a lesson for tomorrow.