Friday, October 10, 2014

Blush







This morning I blew kisses
to the reflection in the mirror
this morning I saw a beauty
looking back at me


I looked in the crystal blue
eyes of my being
and said I love you
everything is fine

This morning I blew kisses
felt love in the house
I fell in love with the child
only my heart can see

The frosted leaves
blew red and gold
winter gloves with no fingers
kept my strong hands warm

I saw your face in the distance
you came over asked about the weather
I said it was cold but you made it better
There's no need for blush

On an October day like today


Thursday, October 9, 2014

Singing

Then the sparrow
on the weather beaten log
picks up one more
sunflower seed in
her beak
Her little eyes look
right at you and she's not afraid

 
Then the sparrow
with the brown feathered heart
flies into the air
she sings her song
Her little voice
sings to you and she's not afraid

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

melodies and dreams

there are melodies and dreams

In this little heart

in a soul the reach of the sea

are melodies and dreams

Put your hands in the water

wash away the sand

now your finger tips are

salty like god's tears

Reach your hands to the sun

the candle power of the sky

feel the spirit of the day around you

become one with who you are

I awaken before the darkness

has lifted from the earth

And see only stars

to light my way

in this little town

in a shanty by the sea

there are melodies and dreams

In this little heart

in a soul the reach of the sea

are melodies and dreams

Sunday, October 5, 2014

The Hello Kitty Notes

Last night I did a lot of thinking about who I am. I was depressed because I saw the past 30 plus years as a failure. I saw all the things I didn't achieve didn't finish didn't accomplish. But I was reading Eckhart Tolle, well at least the chapter about the Ego, which I actually didn't hate like the rest of his writing. It spoke to me; I got out of it what I needed.

I heard that I needed to take that near suicide experience and use it as a miracle. Take all that I thought was a waste of time and money and a failure and turn it around. It was a miracle I survived school; survived university and all it's craziness. It was a miracle I moved back home with my parents at 30, not a failure. It was a miracle they were there for me and let me collect myself again. It's a miracle I have the job that I do because there's not a lot of options here in B'town, and it's a miracle that I have Duncanville and the freedom that I've allowed in my life.

It may even be a miracle that what's his face in University wasn't my knight in shinning armour.

I'm allowed to lose myself in the words I create in my search for myself. Buddha teaches we are who we seek. I can search for me and not be ashamed of everything else around me and everyone else opinions. I have learned over the years to cut out what I don't want in my life (like TV) My search is to find me. I search through music and words as a way to describe who I am and how I feel. Words alone don't do it, songs alone don't do it. But the two of them together inspire my voice as it writes, as it speaks, as it sings. That makes me not just another person, but that makes me a miracle, as well as my actions. (that's written in the Hello Kitty note book)

Since I am seeking to find myself, I look back over the years and see how I put myself second. How, even though I don't have kids, I have put myself second to other people. Since all I do is write and live by myself, I can put my time into other peoples dreams. That started coming to an end two weeks ago.

I remember a friend coming back from away. He came back for jr High School and sat beside me, we were best friends, and my self esteem was so low that I didn't want him to talk to me in case people thought he was as uncool as I was. I was second to the people around me.

I remember getting my first "real job," not set out for a student, and my boss telling me, they didn't really want me they wanted someone else. Someone that all the boys wanted as a friend as well. I was second to her for the years I worked at the job, they kept her and eventually we worked side by side and are still friends but I was always second to her. I knew I wasn't as liked, as wanted, as someone else.

And in most of the men I've fallen in love with were good friends, but there's always someone else that he likes more, so I'm a friend, I'm second. And I have to realize this, in it's own way, is a miracle. That in most cases it has shown itself to be a miracle as I get to know these men better.

So where do I go from here? I go into a future encompassing all sorts of believes and understanding of my soul and my body and my love. I am after all the only me I've got.
 

Friday, October 3, 2014

Winds

I
feel the poor winds
rest on my shoulders
i shudder

feel the tired
winds empty
their pockets of the leaves

my fingers weave the water
my heart caresses the sea
my heart goes back

a child on the eastern shore
bubble wand
and pet rock

my lungs release
suck the air in
i breath another life

arms reach out
hug the winds
all the joy that comes

i believe in
what is going on
around me

i begin with the wind
and the lessons
the breezes bring to me

again
again I think about the wind and how
it makes my tears sting

take a deep breath
and a new
step forward

I can't see your future
but your present is all around me
and the wind

let the wind search me out
set me free
on the edge of the eastern shore

let the breeze
unravel the strings
that were part of today


Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Call Me Kay?






they all know who you parents are
so you have behave
and be good to the family lines
and show your best side

too much scat cat
his paws across the dust
the sun warm and
his fur matted he sits

listening to the river run
deep into the lake side
and listening to the river
running like the bass

a string through your heart
that makes it tick
and makes it talk like a
tin can telephone

frogs jump on the piano keys
lilly pads
do the boogie woogie
tips of fingers against the keys

webbed feet
in the key of jazz
with a sharp
that means business

I hang up the phone
you close the piano
we walk to the lake
and lean into the groove




Thursday, September 25, 2014

Growing up in the Park-- Steps



There is a park, and green grass freshly mowed and cleared.

I need to make little steps said the little Cassy

I need to walk slow because every movement brings me new grass

a lady bug

a dragon fly

a wood frog

I want to see

hear

touch

I want to touch the butterflies

but I know I can't

I need to trust what I'm seeing and what I'm learning so that when someone questions me when I turn 16 I will be safe in my own reality

I need to take big steps

said the big girl,

I need to dive in and not be scared

believe that all the little steps I've taken will help

when I jump over the hole in the side walk

like the frog,

Fly over the puddle like a dragon fly

Touch the caterpillar in my dream

I need to walk some of this alone

I said and some of these steps need to be done with other people

a balance

of big steps and small steps

saying I can try that

doing it on my own

then saying I don't know how to do that

getting help

I am the dragon fly

I am the wood frog

and I become the butterfly