Sunday, October 15, 2017

Red Flag

It’s been a year

A year ago I had a boyfriend
For two weeks
And found it highly over rated
I didn’t have time for that shit
I didn’t have time to be raped
Or abused or manipulated
Lied to or used
I walked away from it
And didn’t get hurt

I listened to all those people
That came into high school
And talked about rape
And putting yourself
In bad places
Oprah always Oprah
And If I didn’t trust him
I stayed away
I stayed away a lot
Life is a red flag

There was no one
Who would have an
Honest relationship
With themselves
It’s too late now
I’m on too much Prozac to feel

I’ve had too much time to love
Myself to waste my time
Trying to make someone
Else Happy
That’s what rape culture
Has taught me:

To be alone
To wrap blankets around me
When I want a hug
Just saying hi
Is a red flag
Just the wordscoming out
Of that mouth
Is a form of rape
That look in his eyes
That look down on me
Like I’m just a child
That I’m not worth the fight

Again I’m different
Than all the other girls

I’m not one who can say

Me to

New Job...

There’s a little path I’m taking
Lit by the peaking morning
Sunrise, colours of red and orange.
Behind me is the darkness
Of the last starless night
Ahead of me lies the day.
The radio sings of love
And the day will have adventure and dancing

I’m right in the middle
Day and night. Night and day.
A year of strength and growth
I knew I had to go somewhere else
I knew I had to keep moving
I couldn’t keep hating the light
Couldn’t keep sleeping through the

Sunshine and turning on the rainbows.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Tears in Heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven

Eric Clapton and Will Jennings gave us this question
When a little boy fell from a balcony window

Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

No not at all there are so many worries
So many confusions when we are born as humans

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?

As death found souls, we recognize everyone in heaven
Wrap our energy around each other

Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?

We are energy when we die like butterflies
We change our core and fly

Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please
Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure
And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven

We have to change we have to evolve
Which is maybe why we morn when someone dies young
Because like a caterpillar they never had a chance to live to be a butterfly

Perhaps as humans no matter what stage of age we are in
We fly into the universe and love all we were supposed to
On earth. With tears in heaven.

I'll find my way through night and day
'Cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven

And after heaven there is another step I’m sure

We just have no idea 

Thursday, September 7, 2017


I’m glad I had
The time to invest
In me
I’m glad I had
The heart to touch
What no one else
I’m here to say
I didn’t fall
Rose up the vine
Magic beans into the sky
What I found was giants
And I kept growing
I see the movies
Where the bad keeps
And I wonder
How someone
Survives the Diehards
And the Armageddon’s
And I realize that’s how it feels sometimes
People fall behind
I fall behind
But the guns and the bombs
Are still blasting
All around me
I keep running through the fire
Walking barefoot
In the broken glass
I find the bad guys
And walk away

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Not a Genius

I was watching criminal minds this morning and the team turned to Dr Reid and said “You’re a genius, you figure it out."  I thought how nice to be appreciated for your smartness, rather than have it laughed it and belittled. It made me instantly think of my grade one life, where I was scolded for knowing cursive writing and using it before everyone else had a chance to learn.

There were no temper tantrums no fights no big noticeable depression for days, I remember some sadness and confusion, that I wasn’t allowed to use this new trick, but I accepted it. Teachers were adults and made the rules.

But I wonder, just a little bit, if it didn’t close me up a bit, make me feel like everyone had to excel at the same time and same pace, if somehow I was, even mildly, stunted by this information. If my need to excel scholastically was held back to make sure I didn’t learn too much without teachers advice. I wonder if I was afraid to jump ahead and learn.

Hmmm Worth thinking about and healing.

No Alibis

Today, is Sunday; laundry day. I don’t have a washer or dryer in my house or a car to get to the laundry mat. I packed up my little wheelie cart full of dirty laundry and headed a out the door. Today I got a drive to the laundry matt, usually I crawl up the hill with my cart behind me and dread the TV shows that play there.

Today the show is Criminal Minds. I sit at the counter after the washer is loaded and try to write morning pages. The show engages and scares me at the same time.  There was an episode in the second season where Frank sends Jane  wind chimes made out of human rib bones and it freaked me the fuck out, the power of the story telling, the acting, the music. I studied storytelling in many forms and this was powerful enough to break through the “I know what they’re doing there text book 1-2-3 cut and paste,” it made me terrified of windchimes for a long time and I still hate hearing them, wondering if a serial killer is around the corner watching me.

I’m the kind of girl who can watch Zero Dark Thirty and Good Fellas and not blink an eye. But I’ve been known to stand in front  of my dryer for 30 minutes watching the cloths go around to avoid the mass killing that happens on AE early Sunday morning.

Today on the marathon they had two shows that I watched one from 10-11 at the laundry mat and later, 12-1 in my house after I got home. Both were done in a way that although the violence implied was rough, what we saw and how they presented it was not too emotionally damaging and I watched both full episodes.

In my journal this morning I wrote what manipulation they used to get me to watch, every second demands I watch and feel for these characters; the FBI, the victims, and the killers.  Like a good drug you have to come back to see these people play with sex offenders and drug using murderers.

I was thinking about the piece I posted yesterday and how it said that a good poet knows not only how to manipulate words and rhythms and story, but knows how to dig into your mind leaves you coming back again to read the poem and ask new questions , see images, feel feelings.

Writing is becoming more than just freefalling once or twice and getting a few good lines. Which I have been satisfied doing, but now there’s more. It’s calculated and manipulative in good ways and bad ways. It’s more than just reading it out loud after a few drafts and hope it sounds good and makes sense.

SO now, I’m obsessed with a show that is brilliantly made, and made to make me physically ill. But I want to understand how they do what they do.

I guess it’s hangovers and Criminal Minds for my Sunday mornings in the Future.  

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Name, a Free Fall

Gave myself my own name
Frosty was enough
I never aligned with a group
That I didn’t want to leave
My badges are scars
That I gave my self
Hand through the glass
Stairs through the lip
Stars through the heart

Made myself my own friends
Sons and daughters who thought
Just like me
Loved me until they turned 16
And then turned against me
Best 16 years of my life
When I heard you yell
“Mama” In the distance

Walked through the world alone
Keep it that way at the end
Of every dinner date
I look away and look past
I held your hand
Only to let it go
Palms to the ground
Circles in the sun
Like a child

Listen to your voice
Do you have to drink
Until it can’t speak anymore
Listen to your song
Is it typed or recited
In the deepness of our sleep
Dreams tell me I can do
Not anything
But what my heart desires
I gave myself that name