Saturday, August 20, 2016

All You Need is Luv

All you need is love?

But what kind? And by who? And when? And what does it look like. Romantic love, marriage, and children is not in the cards for everyone. Some find out too early, before they really get a chance to hold someone’s hand. And some find out too late, after they’ve spent time looking for the person to take them to that final level and complete them in a relationship or they’ve had children and now they have lost their creativity, their independence, because a flow chart in highschool told you that to be a complete person, you had to fall in love and get married.

There’s not supposed to be any other feeling in the world like having a lover. That we learn about ourselves and challenge each other and teach each other to grow. But what if we hide in that relationship, if we torture each other, hurt each other, manipulate each other. Then isn’t it better to be by yourself; discovering yourself with a notepad and sharpie. A piano and your favorite tune stretching your voice and learning to speak and grow in many different ways?

All you need is love?

We’re proving that love is different than that flowchart we saw in school. Different than what we learned in church camp; that you had to get married to your sweet heart and have some kids. No matter who you are. I wrote myself a letter in grade 5 that said I didn’t want to get married. I thought maybe I jinxed myself as reached my twenties. But maybe I knew something, that marriage and family, it wasn’t for me.

And I did something, I followed my instincts and other people followed theirs. And we ended up where we want to be, I hope.

The flip side to the story is, I have depression, so I'm always left to wonder: would my life be better or worse if I had a lover to sleep with me and talk to me at breakfast time. Would I not have depression if I were married and had companionship with more than 2 cats, a computer, a piano and my friends who fit me between boyfriends, husbands and their own ideas of what friendship and love should be.

If I had a soul mate, if I spent my time looking for love, if I got married to and had great sex and awesome soul feeding fights would I still need Prozac? Or would it matter?

All I need is love.

And only I know what that looks like for me.

Thursday, August 11, 2016


I just wrote a tough little piece, that I will work on and save for later, when it’s all alive and stuff. In it I listed what made me happy, the only thing I’ve liked about myself in the past forty years was being alone. So many people said it wasn’t the normal way to feel that I fought it. I thought I could work with great people and party and all I wanted to do was be alone with my cats and write from the heart.

That’s the truth that’s the pure truth. Kacey’s top forty on the weekend when I could no longer play the piano, my books, and my writing as a kid. Sitting here like this, warm and sweaty, in my apartment in the summer, with words and choices, I chose to live happy. Surround myself with people that I like, not worry about how many people like me and not believe people when they think I couldn’t be happy.

Let the whispers wash away, the voices of others judgement.

When people want their childhoods back they probably don’t want to sit in a little room with blue walls being alone. But that’s what I liked. That’s what I like now. It took me forty years to identify the truth. Now what to do with it?

Monday, July 4, 2016

How Much

I’m alive today
I’m breathing
I’m feeling love
I’m beautiful

Silent and sleep
Over take my body.
Tell me it’s time to rest
When I just woke up.
Tell me it’s time to give up
Before I ever tried.
It doesn’t matter how many I take…
If I don’t do it myself who am I?

Life and death
Pass over my sight.
All I see is blurry
When I have new glasses.
Tell me I’m blind
Before I even open my eyes.
It doesn’t matter “how much” you tell me
I rely on what I’ve seen.

I’m awake today
I’m alive today
I’m good enough today
I’m fabulous

Mist and mire
As I fall deeper.
The sun light turns into fire
Turns into ice mountains.
Tell me I have no feelings
And I will find them.
There are rabbits in these hats

Magic, I am a heart beat.

Sunday, July 3, 2016

Log in the River

 not my photo

I did my morning pages late today, at like about 5:00pm, so I had a day to think about them. I’m at the point where the medication is making me chemically balanced and I can’t imagine there is any more gluten or dairy to squeeze out of my life. This means any depression I have is due to habit or hiding from my emotions.

Some people say they feel fear or anxiety, and it breaks them. My emotional palate is empty, lots of positivity and forgiveness and understanding, but I usually need to be in bed at 8-8:30 because I’m sooo flippin exhausted. Maybe from not dealing with my true emotions?

I’ve heard emotional issues will see a persona having to get rid of the thing that makes them well but doesn’t evolve with them. If I’m drowning in rushing river, a big log will save my life, but soon, to avoid the water falls or to get back to the river side, when I gain strength again, I need to let go of this log.

Sleeping has kept me safe saying: “I love you” over and over “I love this life” or “this life is love” works until I reached a place where it’s no longer to healthy. I have too be able to see the things that are working and give myself “props” for discovering them and knowing to keep them. But as I wrote in my journal there’s only about half of myself that I truly know and love the other half I sleep away and loathe.

It’s kept me safe until now to only love the lovable part, but now, and it won’t be the first time, I have look into the darkness.

I have to know what I forgive and what I need apologies from other people for. I need strength and colour to take the next step.

I’m letting go of the log, letting go of the safety net and giving myself permission to feel and dream what ever I need.

Saturday, July 2, 2016


So it's summer time now and I'm spending the first few days of July at my parents house in the cool fog and rain. The Duncans and I are chillaxing. The world was getting the better of me and I needed to sit and relax.

I had a very good chat with my oldest friend and I shared with her how I'm dealing with depression now. You see chemically I have everything in order. The right amount of Prozac, all the bad chemicals out of my body; wheat and gluten. And there is still a part of me that  is sad😢.

Still a part of me that isn't real yet. Still a part of me that pushes all the emotions down under and sleeps so I don't have to be truthful to myself and others; I don't have time for that any more, there are things that I've started on good days that I need to finish, goals and objectives.

Today I was surrounded by a lot of people I didn't know and a few that I did. I balanced self time and friend time and new people time and didn't get overwhelmed by the end of the market I was at.

I'm home and journaling and feeling balanced and awake which is great. Just the next moment and the next to live through.

Saturday, June 25, 2016


There will be a time
When we have to put you down
And that
                 I don’t understand 
Because I always say
“five more minutes”
And all will be ok
But five more minutes won’t
Bring your body back

We have conversations
With you and there’s
Still a will to live
We have conversations with the Dr
Who mentions quality of life

But your body is
Falling Apart
Not saving your soul
The packaging is damaged
But the soul inside is still strong

Not how I imagined it at all

Monday, June 20, 2016


I’ve had two amazing dreams that I remembered, and wrote about, and that I am working on as stories. One is about a baby that needs to be rescued, after a woman finds herself in a band, after quitting her job and moving away, she rescues a baby and moves away and becomes a songwriter. The big thing about this story is there are big decisions to make, decisions that make the world fall down but turns the world into something better. Decisions that make the world fall down and make her scrape the bottom of the bucket of life. Only to come out happier in the end.

That’s what I’m facing right now, that’s what the family is facing and so my medicine is that I sit and write a fictional story about it and work things out.

The other dream I’m working with is a person who faked her death and is living as a stripper far away from where she started. I haven’t figured out the meaning of that dream yet but man it was powerful, and has stuck with me, and left me with feelings and a story.

My nana banana is in the hospital, she has come back to btown to live out her final days, last week it was all about her and being there for her, but there was no singing and no writing. And I can’t lose my singing again, as I say it, it doesn’t sound fair to pick my voice over my nana, especially because I’m no virtuoso, at the same time I need to spend time with my cats and myself and things that keep me feeling healthy.

Tini missed me so much last week (Izzy is happy in her cat bed, in the porch, in day light, whether I am home or not). And so far this week Tini just wants to go outside. I need to talk about my cats because Nana Banana doesn’t like to talk about cats and says “meow meow meow; go home to your cats.”

I took ½ a day off today to pull my mind around all that was going on. There’s a lot to figure out and come to grips with a lot of emotional turmoil that I sooth with singing and grow stronger with by writing and dreaming and writing some more.

I haven’t arrived at any great epiphanies but I feel more centered and more grounded and had a great Kadoodle with Izzy and a great walk with Tini. And sleep there was sleep.