Saturday, November 29, 2014

Angel

I lit the tall white candle and asked the angels to watch over me for one more night.

I have depression and low self esteem, even at 40,
Something I learned when I was 16
I am lifting my confidence into the sky, but sometimes I ask for angels

perhaps alone on frozen ground
perhaps alone on sacred ground
the ground I walk on everyday
one will lead me
to see what I need is what I want

a refuge from another day of dying on a strangled planet
I have low confidence my voice barley whispers
even when it's something I really want

I'm falling into the stormy seas
Snow flakes and angels
Pushed like a cross
From the cliffs upon the sea

I ask for another angel from the heavens
I'm all alone and need their powers to make it through the night

Bring down your angel wings and protect me through the winter
through this growing under snow: covered streets and houses

Swimming through the stormy seas
a hypothermic stranger
pushed upon the shore by tides
and able to knock on a strangers door

You can't hear me, I'm a new woman
You can't see me I'm dancing in the light
You don't need me, I'm not your mother

I'm an independent woman
So watch me walk like the winner
of this stretch of path called life

 
Alone I lit the tall white candle
used the heat to warm my hands
asked the angels to wrap their wings around me
for one more night.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

A rebuild





rebuilt my house
rebuilt my soul
cleaned out the broken
brought in the new
covered the cracks
made walls stronger
cleared the fireplace
made breath warmer

scooped up loved ones
took them with me
rebuilt the door
that let you in and out
rebuilt the desk
I write you love letters on
and still
still
I am without you

rebuilt the heart
and how it beats
everyday
rebuilt the chemicals
in the brain
rotted out the sadness
and replaced it with sunshine

and you said it couldn't be done

Sunlight will rise in the morning
just be alive
in the darkness

Sunday, November 9, 2014

MS Fear

The truth is I'm scared and I push it all down. I know I push it down because I wake up from my dreams confused frightened and disturbed. During the day there is nothing that can stop me . I live alone, I eat at returants by myself, I go to movies by myself, I don't drive so I walk and take cabs.

The truth is I'm scared, I'm sure I'll get this novel done and this script done and people will know I did know what I was talking about and I could do it. But until then I'm scared that I will keep living like this day in and day out. I'm scared of the power bill this winter I scared of the drive way and it's need to be plowed I'm afraid of singing to loud and upsetting the neighbours I'm afraid
of getting into that cab by myself and how the cab driver will think of me all alone and not able to do everything 100 percent by myself what people will think of me if I need help.

The truth is I keep going and it rots my sleep. It rots my health because I'm on anti depressants it rots my friendships because I'm so busy "hiding it all in" that I have nothing to talk to. SO scared that people are judging my life that I don't talk about it.

Awake I'm not afraid but deep inside I break through a lot of barriers just to eat breakfast in the morning, just to take the cat out for a walk, afraid that she'll dash out in the road. Chase the neighbours cat, chase the cat under the porch.

I'm afraid I can't afford music lessons and groceries after rent is paid that I've used too much of my savings for fun this summer for the unexpected like stepping on the lap top and having to get a new one.

And yet I sing and layers and layers of emotional garbage fall from me and I feel free and I feel like I know who I am. And I know that although I may not be able to get that new couch I wanted I get that new me I wanted. I am scared I don't practice enough. I'm scared I haven't written enough over the past 15 years trying to pull my shit together. My ego, in my dreams , goes all the things that could go wrong if I'm successful, and because I'm not, and I just want to get this shit written down.

When I went to the city last weekend I had nightmares for two days of not knowing where I was when I woke up of living in many different houses with many different people. When I lived in the city, in different houses and different people, all I wanted was to be alone and when I was alone I was frightened. And I was alone, but it didn't stop me from doing things, I fought through the fear and it affected me other ways.

This is the first year (and coffee helps A LOT) where I can come home and spend the night awake and writing. This is the first year in a long time I can focus and do things. This is the first time I can lead my mind to write and create and be strong enough to lock myself in a little room with two cats and write. But it's frightening. What if the words aren't there. What if they are, what if after I get it all done I have to do all this editing. (I looked at what I've got so far and it needs a lot of editing.) It doesn't happen over night, nothing has happened for me over night everything has taken time and that time is frightening.

So deep breath Ms Thang You're afraid, so is most of the population, you just admitted it now be with the fear so you can get through it and not have it control your sleeps anymore. Not let it control your friendships and your life.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Heart Shaped Rocks

Hello my lover
Hello myself
I place
This heart shaped rock
Between us
And open up
To the truth

Take my hand
We'll explore
A million pasts
Across a million planets

We speak
Like ghosts of the past
Sulking through
Cracks in the house

I hear us breathe
I hear us think
I hear the silence
I've been yearning for

You all day

I am a traveller
But I want to spend
This life
In this spot

Everything else can fall away


We will find
Our heart shaped rocks
In the mire
 

Saturday, November 1, 2014

Cat Cave

Just an update from the Cat Cave. That's what I'm calling my bed room. I'm cleaning it up now so I don't feel bad spending so much time in there. I have brought the writing desk and the tree in from the sun porch and have put the desk in my bed room.

It's winter now, the time will go back tonight, and it'll be dark when I leave for work and dark when I come home from work. It'll be cold and over whelming and Duncanville eats heat like crazy, there are so many holes and leaks throughout the tiny apartment.

It's the time of year where I curl up and sleep through the darkness which is a lot of sleeping. I feel helpless to my body and helpless about what the days are doing. I'm beating it this year.

I'm going to devour my endless books in the darkness, in the candle light, I'm going to drag the computer in the bat cave and write until 9 or 10 o clock at night I have some ideas I'm working with.

And I'm going to sing.

The depression of the winter will not beat me down.

So far I'm in love with my self time.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

The Ripped Flesh Project

I take my good judgement and withdraw unto moonlit rivers and candle lit alters. The page and the pen spewing words that I would only ever tell a lover, or myself. I'll find my heart under the ashes of burned in sense, of gods oils, and romantic flower petals.

Walking home amongst the falling autumn leaves, rose' sunset and becoming giddy by the words I start to see in my heart; on the page.

I lock myself in a dark room and do nothing but touch pen to paper.

The stories doesn't say much at first, it's just me sitting on the chair watching the candle burn. I pull tarot cards about tricksters and virgin forests. I take my sock off over a flesh wound I have on my right ankle due to an ill fitting pair of boots that stole my heart and seemed uber practical. I had to take them back, threatening to show said wound if the store clerk refused. My sock remained sticking to the puss of the back of my leg and in return I bought the fluffiest pair of boots I could find.

those returned boots reminded me of tech boots ,steel toed, steel bottomed. The kind I wore with mermaid dresses in university, a time when I was still unaware of awareness but aware that everyone was thinking thoughts without me. I Still wanted to be someone who fit in.

Sophia looked down on her daughter as she sent her to earth," it's going to be hard to find peace baby in this life time, it's going to be hard to find peace on this earth, it's never been a peaceful place, but I'll put you in a tiny little place where it's peaceful and you have to navigate the rest for yourself."

Baby looked back at Mama Sophia while she was still in the womb and said there is a lot of unrest in this word even in this tiny little world it is hard to find peace when the world is so up in arms.

Sophia said find books find music find candle light and find Duncan Ville and in there you will start to find peace.

Baby looked back "I will start to find peace?"

That's as far as I can see baby girl, that's as far as I can see.

She asked me "When was the last time you were in love?" I thought for a moment over the years that seemed like nothingness of the past I wondered if everyone felt like the last forty years in their life was like a drop in the bucket or if they were fulfilled with memories and emotions.

I separated the romantic acts from the actual romance and felt empty and unloved. Before I could answer she said "Use the time you were in love in your music"

The music went flat

I thought about the boy in university who I was sure I was going to marry. I thought about the touch that meant nothing when I was as far away from myself as possible.

and I just wanted to sing like me the love would come.

When I went to buy my favorite boots in the whole world, I went by myself, and was left to choose between the men's boots and the women's boots. So I looked at the stranger trying on his own boots and said

"Now do I get the girls boots or the boys boots?"

He said to "get the boys boots because they are always better."

They were the pair I wanted too, I couldn't possibly go wrong.

I took my favorite boots in the whole word, at least since 1998 back to the store. The store took them back and I left with money to buy a new pair I wondered why in life I was presented with such a beautiful pair of boots that did so much damage to my feet.

Sophia said "you will find it but it may take a few tries."

Friday, October 10, 2014

Blush







This morning I blew kisses
to the reflection in the mirror
this morning I saw a beauty
looking back at me


I looked in the crystal blue
eyes of my being
and said I love you
everything is fine

This morning I blew kisses
felt love in the house
I fell in love with the child
only my heart can see

The frosted leaves
blew red and gold
winter gloves with no fingers
kept my strong hands warm

I saw your face in the distance
you came over asked about the weather
I said it was cold but you made it better
There's no need for blush

On an October day like today