Thursday, December 14, 2017

Poetry Therapy

It’s the sound of darkness
Leaking from my heart
All the truth
Infecting dreams
Making light again

Just the click of finger tips
To clear my mind
Open my heart
I went looking
For my nannies and grampies
I was so sure I was dead

I put my mind on the pillow last night
And knew I was going
To a different land
I fell fast asleep
Slipped away with no control
I went from house to house
Banging on doors and windows

Images of the past
Houses I’ve only seen
In my dreams
And some I’ve never seen before
I was so confused
Time began to change
9 am
10 am
5 pm

Late for work
Wake up? Wake up? Why can't I wake up?
Become a slave
To the system

So I looked at “the man”
And said
“I must be dead
And if I’m dead,
I’m going to find my nannies and grampies"

And still I didn’t wake up
So I figured
The house had burned down
Or I died in my sleep
But there was no pain
And everything was fine
So I went looking
For my nannies and grampies…

Until I woke up

Sunday, December 10, 2017

My Canada is...

How does that make you feel? 

For me it hurts. 

If my animals looked like that I know people would arrest me and take them away. As a pet owner I vowed to take care of my animals keep them healthy and happy and strong. And I have plenty of strong people watching me, if anything goes wrong, my animals are taken, every time the picture I have of my pets are shown to people who love animals, a comment about how well they look and are taken care of.

What if I kept a picture of this polar bear in my wallet and said "He's my responsibility too.”

He needs me to speak for him. So here’s a start.

I want to call someone and report animal abuse, earth abuse, oh and so much more. 

Justin, this place that we call home is crashing … it’s not enough that you’re a cutie, we need to save the world.

As it was said in my theatre film rant I didn't speak out I didn't get hurt, but my dream of working in theatre and film didn't come true. I shrunk off and worked in hotels and call centres.

What if this time I don't shut up? I get so moved, like my Father wanting a Dr., like Ashly Judd screaming "Nasty Woman" at the top of her lungs, and women standing up to their accusers. What if when I go out I mention this picture and say we've got to do something, not him, not they, not those people; We, all of us. 

Nasty? I'm an angry woman who is watching animals, die in front of me. I am an earth keeper, I live on this earth they are my animals too. And I just got angry.


I guess in my passion and friendship I want to get a little angry next year, that there’s a little bit of angry that needs to punch through. I think the last straw was that polar bear. Edged on by my friend who wants to start a wildlife rehabilitation centre, on her own. I listened to her talk about sitting by the side of the road petting a rabbit hit by a car and wishing there was some way to help it stop suffering.

I’ve been moved in the last month to the point where is hurts. Friends losing their babies, me turning forty one. Getting more work out there in the hopes that someone will publish it. A new job and not being able to express and process while I need to being calm and passionate. I want to get angry and make a big noise. I want to be the one who leads the rebels into the line of fire to save the future.

I, of course, can’t buy a ticket to fly off and save the Polar Bear. Bring back all the Missing and murdered Indigenous women.  But I have a feeling, between healing me back to health, and a stronger voice I can fight a bit.

I just got a little sad. I had the whole week off, so I’ve a massed a lot of energy and clear thinking, so once I start working again; I’ll be exhausted… But I can dream that I’ll have this energy to live off of until the next vacation, lets get it together people. Collectively, when we go out to coffee or dinner we discuss how to save the world; Our inner world and our outer world.

I’m starting to reach out to people from beyond my apartment and make friends and choices which strums emotions that I don’t get when I’m being a recluse or a hermit. I little string of inpatients, sadness, and the need to do more.

Lets see what happens when I go back to work…

I may not be able to silently let the world go by while a work on myself...

Saturday, December 9, 2017

It Should be Snowing

All I wanted to do, when I was little, was eat French fries, vegan stir fry and watch the Muppets. 40 years and my mom still has family meals at the table and no TV until after supper and that’s the news, then it’s a free for all. I like watching tv during the day but usually feel guilty early in the morning. Family meals in Duncanville consist of vegies, rice noodles, and crime television.

I gave my mother a vegetarian cookbook, she wanted tahini recipes and this one had four or five. In the process I washed the cat hair and dust off of the ret of my collection of cook books. I’ve been eating rice pasta and smoked tofu for a year or two at lunch, at work. Really, I boil a bag of pasta, the pink bag with the bunnies on it dump some hot and zesty spaghetti sauce over it and it last at least 4 days some times 6 days depending on the mornings.

I went home this week for a break from reality and a stay-cation. And started read the book I leant her and started to pick out lunch recipes and this week I’m not going to have pasta. A great little avocado and bean salad that I will make up tomorrow and there will probably be pictures  on Instagram and twitter. Unless it sucks, then there will be pasta :p

I usually go to the coffee shop for a gluten free pumpkin muffin and a super duper wake me the hell up coffee. But I didn’t really want to wake the hell up this morning. I made what I  thought was a ginormous coffee and cleaned up the house and went to the coffee shop for lunch. I had 18.00 in my bank account and spent 17.94 on lunch; so that’s it until pay day.

I was going to save the money and I made a huge kale salad with balsamic vinegar and olive oil, sat down, at a table, to eat it. And it all fell over the floor, So I decided against the cheep meal and let someone make chili for me.

While I was there in one corner, my friend was in another corner and to end her meal we sat together and talked about our futures. It was very nice, I usually have a list of things I’m “Going to do” but this week I did most of it and now I’m just waiting to get through Christmas. But she’s got a lot of new things going for her. SO that’s awesome. I hope it all works out.

I then came home and slept for the afternoon, full stomach weaker coffee than I thought and a drippy rainstorm when it should be snowing. For the love of god will someone save that polar bear, all the polar bears. Our earth… We’re next; Dummies…

I had some noodles and sat in my bed with my cats and wrote fighting every minute of going inside my head to write.                           

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

chased away the light

Has chased away light
The past the future
The right now
I long for
And it has chased away light
I want my friend
To hold her little baby
Alive and breathing
I want another singing lesson
We loved by singing
I want to sit in front
Of the light
Of my grandmother’s
Christmas tree
But she is not with us any more
I just want to cry
For all the things I’ve lost
I’ve never cried for them before
Wrapped up
In my chest and
Under eye lids
I wanted to sing and dance
Deep into the night
Here I am 
Alone in my room
Alone in the darkness and the words of Peter Gabriel.
Red Rain
I don’t want to be reminded that at the age of 40
I learned to write songs
And be confident
I don’t want to see that my new job
Is better for me
I don’t want to know
That I made so many fine life
I only want to cry
And cry
For the one or two that aren’t coming true

Ever will come true 

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Morning Time

I guess I’m rethinking weekday mornings, I’ve never been well enough to actually take action. The last 20 years has been struggle to wake up, a struggle to get every thing done before heading out the door hopefully the coffee will kick in between morning naps, egg timers, and as I go to work/school. Where I jump from break to meal losing my shit If I have to wait a few extra minutes for either because I’m so hungry.

I remember 25 years ago having huge breakfasts even resorting to salmon burgers in hopes that I could make it through the day without feeling beaten down by hours and gravity. And they didn’t help, for one reason I probably had bread around my burgers, and by the time lunch time hit I had a sandwich or walked down the boardwalk for some cross contaminated fries.

I’ve perfected the diet, I’m not afraid of a little coconut or olive oil, and decided to fry some eggs with my waffle the morning (still lots of coffee 😊)  and I made till 1:00 waiting for lunch in my new job. I walked into work happy and alert and I wasn’t thinking about food all the time.

You know what else? If I get up early enough in the morning I can relax and write and enjoy coffee and not rush around and forget to clean the litter box because I was half asleep. I haven’t mastered getting up with the alarm yet, but, I have had extra half-hours to write in my journal and not feel rushed in the morning. The new message to me is that the morning can be just as much a functional part of the day as the rest of the day.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Write on

I guess I want to write more. When I come home at night to sit and write, my brain is usually blank. I have to really force it to create and be focused. My brain shrugs at the shoulders and decides that there is nothing to say, nothing to write about. Sometimes I get something sometimes I don’t. Which has been acceptable till now but...

At Writers Circle, there is always something to write about, and I can write about it in any format. At Writers Circle I can do anything I put my mind to.

So my question to myself today, as I go off to spend 8 hours at my job, so I have a house to live in and write for an hour or two, when I come home. Is how do I translate Writers Circle into my house. 

How do I sit down and write almost every night?

Do I need to set up a better desk? Do I need to turn off the music? Or does the music help? DO I need more writing prompts? Or do I start every day organically and see where it leads me.

Today morning pages were about compassion, my compassion the worlds compassion. About ourselves, our world our animals. I consider myself pretty compassionate but can I be more, can I share this compassion with others?

Will these generations that are following me, say “Oh look at all the great things people have done before us…” and keep harming the planet. Oh will they be like “whoa nelly” and say we have to do things differently. Why can’t my generation do it.

To be fair there’s been a complete revolution in how to treat women in the film industry and people seem to be listening, now let's do that in how the world treats not only our millionaires, put those is poverty and our whole world.

I guess I'm offering myself two challanges...