Wednesday, October 29, 2014

The Ripped Flesh Project

I take my good judgement and withdraw unto moonlit rivers and candle lit alters. The page and the pen spewing words that I would only ever tell a lover, or myself. I'll find my heart under the ashes of burned in sense, of gods oils, and romantic flower petals.

Walking home amongst the falling autumn leaves, rose' sunset and becoming giddy by the words I start to see in my heart; on the page.

I lock myself in a dark room and do nothing but touch pen to paper.

The stories doesn't say much at first, it's just me sitting on the chair watching the candle burn. I pull tarot cards about tricksters and virgin forests. I take my sock off over a flesh wound I have on my right ankle due to an ill fitting pair of boots that stole my heart and seemed uber practical. I had to take them back, threatening to show said wound if the store clerk refused. My sock remained sticking to the puss of the back of my leg and in return I bought the fluffiest pair of boots I could find.

those returned boots reminded me of tech boots ,steel toed, steel bottomed. The kind I wore with mermaid dresses in university, a time when I was still unaware of awareness but aware that everyone was thinking thoughts without me. I Still wanted to be someone who fit in.

Sophia looked down on her daughter as she sent her to earth," it's going to be hard to find peace baby in this life time, it's going to be hard to find peace on this earth, it's never been a peaceful place, but I'll put you in a tiny little place where it's peaceful and you have to navigate the rest for yourself."

Baby looked back at Mama Sophia while she was still in the womb and said there is a lot of unrest in this word even in this tiny little world it is hard to find peace when the world is so up in arms.

Sophia said find books find music find candle light and find Duncan Ville and in there you will start to find peace.

Baby looked back "I will start to find peace?"

That's as far as I can see baby girl, that's as far as I can see.

She asked me "When was the last time you were in love?" I thought for a moment over the years that seemed like nothingness of the past I wondered if everyone felt like the last forty years in their life was like a drop in the bucket or if they were fulfilled with memories and emotions.

I separated the romantic acts from the actual romance and felt empty and unloved. Before I could answer she said "Use the time you were in love in your music"

The music went flat

I thought about the boy in university who I was sure I was going to marry. I thought about the touch that meant nothing when I was as far away from myself as possible.

and I just wanted to sing like me the love would come.

When I went to buy my favorite boots in the whole world, I went by myself, and was left to choose between the men's boots and the women's boots. So I looked at the stranger trying on his own boots and said

"Now do I get the girls boots or the boys boots?"

He said to "get the boys boots because they are always better."

They were the pair I wanted too, I couldn't possibly go wrong.

I took my favorite boots in the whole word, at least since 1998 back to the store. The store took them back and I left with money to buy a new pair I wondered why in life I was presented with such a beautiful pair of boots that did so much damage to my feet.

Sophia said "you will find it but it may take a few tries."

Friday, October 10, 2014

Blush







This morning I blew kisses
to the reflection in the mirror
this morning I saw a beauty
looking back at me


I looked in the crystal blue
eyes of my being
and said I love you
everything is fine

This morning I blew kisses
felt love in the house
I fell in love with the child
only my heart can see

The frosted leaves
blew red and gold
winter gloves with no fingers
kept my strong hands warm

I saw your face in the distance
you came over asked about the weather
I said it was cold but you made it better
There's no need for blush

On an October day like today


Thursday, October 9, 2014

Singing

Then the sparrow
on the weather beaten log
picks up one more
sunflower seed in
her beak
Her little eyes look
right at you and she's not afraid

 
Then the sparrow
with the brown feathered heart
flies into the air
she sings her song
Her little voice
sings to you and she's not afraid

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

melodies and dreams

there are melodies and dreams

In this little heart

in a soul the reach of the sea

are melodies and dreams

Put your hands in the water

wash away the sand

now your finger tips are

salty like god's tears

Reach your hands to the sun

the candle power of the sky

feel the spirit of the day around you

become one with who you are

I awaken before the darkness

has lifted from the earth

And see only stars

to light my way

in this little town

in a shanty by the sea

there are melodies and dreams

In this little heart

in a soul the reach of the sea

are melodies and dreams

Sunday, October 5, 2014

The Hello Kitty Notes

Last night I did a lot of thinking about who I am. I was depressed because I saw the past 30 plus years as a failure. I saw all the things I didn't achieve didn't finish didn't accomplish. But I was reading Eckhart Tolle, well at least the chapter about the Ego, which I actually didn't hate like the rest of his writing. It spoke to me; I got out of it what I needed.

I heard that I needed to take that near suicide experience and use it as a miracle. Take all that I thought was a waste of time and money and a failure and turn it around. It was a miracle I survived school; survived university and all it's craziness. It was a miracle I moved back home with my parents at 30, not a failure. It was a miracle they were there for me and let me collect myself again. It's a miracle I have the job that I do because there's not a lot of options here in B'town, and it's a miracle that I have Duncanville and the freedom that I've allowed in my life.

It may even be a miracle that what's his face in University wasn't my knight in shinning armour.

I'm allowed to lose myself in the words I create in my search for myself. Buddha teaches we are who we seek. I can search for me and not be ashamed of everything else around me and everyone else opinions. I have learned over the years to cut out what I don't want in my life (like TV) My search is to find me. I search through music and words as a way to describe who I am and how I feel. Words alone don't do it, songs alone don't do it. But the two of them together inspire my voice as it writes, as it speaks, as it sings. That makes me not just another person, but that makes me a miracle, as well as my actions. (that's written in the Hello Kitty note book)

Since I am seeking to find myself, I look back over the years and see how I put myself second. How, even though I don't have kids, I have put myself second to other people. Since all I do is write and live by myself, I can put my time into other peoples dreams. That started coming to an end two weeks ago.

I remember a friend coming back from away. He came back for jr High School and sat beside me, we were best friends, and my self esteem was so low that I didn't want him to talk to me in case people thought he was as uncool as I was. I was second to the people around me.

I remember getting my first "real job," not set out for a student, and my boss telling me, they didn't really want me they wanted someone else. Someone that all the boys wanted as a friend as well. I was second to her for the years I worked at the job, they kept her and eventually we worked side by side and are still friends but I was always second to her. I knew I wasn't as liked, as wanted, as someone else.

And in most of the men I've fallen in love with were good friends, but there's always someone else that he likes more, so I'm a friend, I'm second. And I have to realize this, in it's own way, is a miracle. That in most cases it has shown itself to be a miracle as I get to know these men better.

So where do I go from here? I go into a future encompassing all sorts of believes and understanding of my soul and my body and my love. I am after all the only me I've got.
 

Friday, October 3, 2014

Winds

I
feel the poor winds
rest on my shoulders
i shudder

feel the tired
winds empty
their pockets of the leaves

my fingers weave the water
my heart caresses the sea
my heart goes back

a child on the eastern shore
bubble wand
and pet rock

my lungs release
suck the air in
i breath another life

arms reach out
hug the winds
all the joy that comes

i believe in
what is going on
around me

i begin with the wind
and the lessons
the breezes bring to me

again
again I think about the wind and how
it makes my tears sting

take a deep breath
and a new
step forward

I can't see your future
but your present is all around me
and the wind

let the wind search me out
set me free
on the edge of the eastern shore

let the breeze
unravel the strings
that were part of today


Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Call Me Kay?






they all know who you parents are
so you have behave
and be good to the family lines
and show your best side

too much scat cat
his paws across the dust
the sun warm and
his fur matted he sits

listening to the river run
deep into the lake side
and listening to the river
running like the bass

a string through your heart
that makes it tick
and makes it talk like a
tin can telephone

frogs jump on the piano keys
lilly pads
do the boogie woogie
tips of fingers against the keys

webbed feet
in the key of jazz
with a sharp
that means business

I hang up the phone
you close the piano
we walk to the lake
and lean into the groove