Monday, January 16, 2017

Dream Froward

Last night there was another dream about the past. About making it to work, to the hotel, on time. It’s stressful and although I don’t know how to stop dreaming about the past- cold (tofu) turkey; I can look forward in my waking hours.

I’ve always wanted to have dreams of the future, but am plagued with memories of the past, past jobs, past feelings, past activities. I have spent the last 20 years exploring my past, trying to understand it, trying to heal it.

I don’t think I need to do that anymore. I can stop focusing on the past and look to the future. Stop looking and listing all the things in the past that hurt, that worked, that didn’t work, and focus on the future.

Make a list of things that I want to do, want to be, want to go, want to work at how I want to live the rest of my life. It makes sense I can’t see forward, while looking back so far.

There are lists and pictures, wishes and dreams of places I want to go and the person I want to be. I’m ready to go forward.

That’s part of the emotional contract of today to look ahead.

Monday, January 9, 2017


SO let’s see if I can get this all down, it’s sort of a mix of anger and disappointment in the human race, right now. I guess it starts with hero making. The Golden Globes were on last night for hours and hours; Rich people, beautiful surroundings who take hours to dress up really nice, and wear lots of make up. Ok I saw the pictures today and some of them missed their pretty mark—just sayin.

I don’t have a TV, I can’t handle main stream shows anymore because I’ve started to think for myself, not be spoon fed my life goals by Netflix and Hallmark Chanel. Vogue and Chatelaine are not my bibles never were.

But here’s hours of a selected people, giving themselves awards for playing a role on TV, in the movies that they make millions in the process of doing it. I doubt this year I’ll make it over the poverty line, their dresses cost more than I make a year. That’s a reality I live with, not pretty dresses and who is wearing a shoe that is too small for their foot on “that night.”

You know that people are scrambling in places around the world for the right to live. Aleppo is all but gone from the news. Standing rock is still there, on facebook anyway. Canada Just said yes to pipelines and no to saying the word fart in the house of commons. I don’t see how in this day in age, after all it’s been 74 years, why we maintain the same habits and do the same things without deducting how different the world is from the time we started.

I guess what I see is the people suffering, and being killed, people rushing into to save them and we have to turn on our tv and see Michael Keaton not know the difference between the two main movies staring black actors and actresses. Hidden Figures, not Hidden Fences.

DO we want to do this any more, do we want to buy into this anymore? DO you want to spend collectively, billions of dollars on an industry that currently isn’t even relevant? Or do went want to spend our money on people and lives, animals and the planet, education and basic health.

In my small little world, a war veteran just killed three generations of women, the day after he was turned away at the mental health department of the local hospital. I’m sorry, and who won for best actress? Did Carrie Fisher die of a heart attack? Yes, she’s my princess too, but so were these people to their family and friends. We know why Carrie and Debbie Died, lets spend this time and money figuring out why an ex soldier came out of a bathroom in an airport killing random strangers. Let’s figure out why men violently rape and kill their wives, mothers, daughters and sons etc. And how we can stop it. 

I’ve been tangled up in the mental health system since I started puberty, started getting prescribed pain killers in high school and so on, I know what’s it like to think it can’t get any worse and be turned away at the hospital. I know this system and the understanding of mental health needs to be studied and understood far beyond anything that my Dr’s were able to handle or throw the wrong anti depressants at.

But do tell me what Billy Bob said when he got awarded his globe, because really it doesn’t matter to me anymore.

The reason I use The Globes as an example is all I wanted to do as a Child was be on the TV and be in the movies. I even have a theatre degree I wanted it so bad. Now, wham, things have changed.

I want the world to see and process what is relevant. That rather than arguing over whether what is happening and Aleppo is really happening and making a movie about Bosnia and the sex trade of woman. We do more than watch the movie. and start making sure Dr’s and teachers and PHD’s are getting recognized and we can spend another hour without people suffering on our door steps.

I wanted to focus on the animals in this piece, but man, we can't even look after wives and mothers, let alone care how badly your steak was torchered getting to the table. Oh Jimmy Fallons Prompter didn't work, le sigh.

Sunday, January 8, 2017


Solitary: myself by myself with myself for days. Even around people: it’s just me. Like a peanut; they say I have a soul mate, a partner. Yet I know we are kept apart, by the skin that keeps us safe as we grow on the vine, as we turn from seeds into food and back again.

Solitary: myself by myself with myself for days. While being considered by teachers and masses as being the same as those around me. I am so different. “Follow my dreams.” they said. Yet I know I am separate from my dreams. Despite them being inside me and being part of me I was never told how to break the skin and grab hold of being a seed rather than food for someone else.

Solitary, Even around people: it’s just me.  Like a peanut; I fall out of the shell and begin to grow on the land I drop to. I want to not just sustain but to move forward and feel free. Remove the skin that separates us and feel the wind and the sun and let our branches touch.Like knowing that you are scared, yet there’s a need to stay in the spot; grow into the sun, and defend life.

Tea and berries, surround us and we become weeds. The fingers of a writer calculate emotions like a mathematician walking up and down the rows and patches. His mind does 1+1, while we can’t calculate big numbers, we can spend hours on an emotion, on a decision, that has been made, or, needs to be made, passing the knowledge from the heart to the mind to the truth tellers. Hold this feeling in your fingers and then send it to the heart and the mind and then mix all knowledge together.

5 more minutes, Into the words on the page. The feelings in my heart, and the thoughts in my mind. It’s solitary. How I live my life, I’ve learned to take the day, I’ve learned to walk to work, One step at a time.

5 more minutes, Into the words on the page. And then there is a coffee on a Saturday morning, a shop in town with over flowing cups, and little spoons of apple carrot soup. I’ve learned to talk one word at a time.

Tea and berries, the words we share like vitamin “b talk” and vitamin “feel the soul.” We mix our solitary into big mixtures of togetherness. I understand, though I can’t transpose myself into another life walk through a different key hole behind new eyes, I feel I am part of another world. We share more than our heart, we share our growths and we parents to ourselves.


Myself by myself with myself for days. Even around people: it’s just me. Like a peanut; they say I have a soul mate, a partner. Yet I know we are kept apart. By the skin that keeps us safe as we grow on the vine, as we turn from seeds into food and back again.

We Lost the Princess in a Heart -- Attack

A blanket over darling’s head
Through ages one to sixteen
Until one January day in 2017
Across the open tarmac of an
Airport in Fort Lauderdale
A gunman shot a woman dead
In front of darlings eyes
Blood on her sneakers
She was sure she was next
Neither mother nor school nor god
Had prepared her this

When someone yelled “My Princess”

Death Trap

You see…
My cats
won’t eat me
If I die:

A sudden death
Of choking
Or heart problems
I’m not like
dinner from a can.

We feel safe
A paw on the hand
To keep steady
A dress in a storm
“Tights” I say “wear tights.”

My cat tried
to catch a mouse
She spit the taste
Of raw dying
Out of her mouth.

Kitty sat in the snow
this morning
and screamed
it was too cold

without mama.

Sunday, January 1, 2017


SO much to write, so much to believe in this year. SO much peace and friendship to open my heart to. I can be a dove of peace, and listen to the earth, and love the environment. The aim for this year is not to stay hidden in the walls of my apartment and the spaces between my words, but to take a step and help, not only the animals, but the people as well. Help the earth heal. I’m healing. It’s time to reach out and help others heal. It’s time to understand what I spent the last 20 years living through and find a way to scoop up the scared, the depressed, the lonely, and tell them not to hurt if we are living as we want to live, even if there are no rule books for their lives. Even if their leaders are turning the world upside down.

And if we are not living the life that we want to, fight and learn more.

Let’s not dwell on 2016 and it’s death and darkness but look for that crack of light that we haven’t lost yet and pull at it like a huge velvet stage curtain, so we can step out and heal ourselves and when each person is ready in themselves, the world. Make goals to take a step closer into the light of the world however that might mean to you, to get out of bed and smile or fight in the streets of Aleppo to save the life of a child.

Set goals to live healthy, be healthy and be aware of what is happening to ourselves and others this year. To start with a prayer to whomever or whatever you believe in and start walking in the direction that your voice and dreams lead you, even if you only begin as a whisper. We can live together, listen together, hear each other, in our beliefs about: spirituality, gods and religion. We can move forward in love and to help the universe. We can strengthen the power of the oppressed and the minorities and lead forward standing straight and tall rather than limping because; our bodies, our planet, is un even.

I see, no matter what, we are all connected and we have to hold hands and hearts, like those paper dolls we folded as children, see that we are all different and all loved at the same time.

Come with me, start with a little prayer, a little chant, a little list on a “peace” of paper and we shall move forward with the power of the universe pushing us like the waves on a calm sea.

Wednesday, December 21, 2016


I went searching
for my dying voice
it was hard to find
muscles broken and heart soiled

I found that place
Above the heart
Where we sit like strangers
On a fast beating train

We are free
Passing Regal castles
That broke down decades ago
red carpet, secret passages, and golden statues

Inside my throat are fireflies
When I laugh with you; they flutter
to the last few notes
I play on the piano of memories

We translated from paper
The black spots on the page
Into clear spring air
Into love and ideas, there, and then gone

Unseen as the wind
Passes over my chapped hands
But heard like a message
Landing hard on our ears and mind

I went searching
For my waking voice
Not afraid to look
At the music and sing.