Thursday, March 26, 2015

Adult Content Dream Ranch

...there is a dream ranch in Duncanville where peoples lives, imaginations and stories, that have little relevence that I know of, to what is happening in my world, happen in my head. I used to think they meant something but the older I get the more I realize that I have an "active imagination." Although I like to use the word imagination for unicorns and carebears.  For a long time I was guilty and confused about my dreams. The feelings I was left with: the hopeless when I woke up from a bad one, the love and loss when I woke up from a good one. How could real life even compare? This week it got too much. The dream came after a perfectly perfect meditation.

The girl in my dream was raped and dumped in the back of a black car. There were two men; one held a gun and the other drove. They drove for hours with a gun to her head. I was inside and outside of the womans head in the dream. Sometimes I was her, sometimes I was sitting beside her, running beside her.

She was wearing a dress jacket and pink underwear. They let her out by the train tracks and she crossed them. One man stayed in the car and the other, the one with the gun, stepped out and began to follow her. He told her to run to run and run.

The trains went by non stop and it was dangerous to cross. But she crossed. He followed her until she jumped into the muddy river and began to swim. She could see the ocean and she knew when she made it there, he wouldn't follow her into the river. And then I woke up.

I woke up and went to work. Because I had to, because I can't stay in bed when something like this happens. I luckily didn't get the full brunt of emotions, and could get out of bed and function. Does that make me a bad person, That I can function after I witness something like that in my head. Three days later and I still remember this dream and I forget so many.

Does it mean I'm getting healthier that I can get up and function and tell myself it was only a dream. SO many times in the past I would dream something like this and not be able to get out of bed, would not be focused enough to work. The drugs help, sleeping helps, limiting access to what I
do and don't do helps. But I'm ready to decide what to do next about this phenomina so that I can heal from these aweful dreams.

 

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Move the River

not my photo
I needed the wind to move the river
I needed it's breath to make me shiver
I needed earths skin to touch mine
I needed my love to cross over time

 
His hands on my dancing hips
Taking off the wedding dress
Kissing my wounded lips
Finding love after all this mess

 
I never did give love to a man I didn't love
But I hurt as loved walked away
I never did find the heart above
All other hearts that wanted me to stay

 
Always blamed myself for being wrong
But maybe after all this time I was right
Maybe I was the river that was running strong
Maybe all the while I had this ocean in my sight

 
I needed the wind to move the river
I needed it's breath to make me shiver
I needed earths skin to touch mine
I needed my love to cross over time

Sunday, March 15, 2015

The Glenn Gould Papers

Is not a thing that makes me happy, a something that makes me smile, as good as something I can hold in my hands? A tune I recognize and can talk about? a tiny bit of laughter? Something that spruces up the heart and makes me smile, as good as a written poem. Does everything have to be justified with a piece of writing to prove it was real? Can experience remain in the heart until it is ready to be shared?

I don't have to fight that piece of darkness anymore.

I will follow my heart in combination with my knowledge. I will follow my heart and my knowledge because I am strong enough to do it and I know what I can accomplish and I know that the universe will present something that I can do. I will not dig myself into a deep hole when the universe offers me something; I will not be in trouble. How would I be in trouble? I thought that if I went to "the workshop" the world would end because I would need to rearrange everything. Next time I need to do the rearranging.

I can listen to the universe and my heart in combination, it won't take me places I can't handle. I am healthy enough to push through what ever happens next year I will be able to do it.

I don't think I need this hurting, this fear that I've discovered to go on any further. I can grow from it and release it. In my heart I will listen to more music that I love that doesn't just haunt the back groud but that comes forward and demand I listen. There is a part of me that needs to come forward and demand I listen.

I can listen to hours of music and not feel guilty that I have nothing to show for it. I can read hours about music and not feel guilty that its not a fantasy story or something that will improve my writing, my music is just as important to me and my heart.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Epiphany

Last night I did a group meditation.

I said the epiphany will come.

I came home knowing  the meditation had been relaxing and upon lighting a candle to sit by myself, in my own house, realized I had opened up some path ways.

A few weeks ago I had written the poem of dreaming of Paris and scattered the ideas of exams and school papers through it. it was confusing to some, having the two ideas together.

Sometimes, most times I write, for me to get a message from it, it just took a week and a half to realize why these two images, exams and Paris, were so important together. Paris- is a metaphore for things that I want  now, that I never did want as a child. When I go to make a decision either consiuouly or sub I have always thought I have to take my past into consideration.

If I want to do something I think "well I spent all that time and money getting a theatre degree it should involve theatre, I spent all this time alone, it should involve another person, I spent all this time in school, it should reflect something I learned there... I graduated from school 20 years ago and think I have, hope I have, learned a few more things since then.

Today It's new day and I can learn something five minutes from now that can affect my decision 20 minutes from now. I don't have to keep working to make theatre dreams come true if they don't work for me right now. I have to relax off on the past and focus on the future and what comes at me that makes me happy not use the past as an excuse to make me happy and keep me sad.


Sunday, March 1, 2015

Hotel Paris


um not my photo



When I dream, I dream in schools
And assignments
I don't yearn for Paris,
Don't ache to go,
I'm happy in here
The more nights I dream

But here I am in Paris
Just down the street
From the bells of Notre Dame
And the lights from the eclectic skies
Shine down on me

When I dream, I dream in exams
I work to be right
But I'm never right
Not in dreams
Examiner says
Says "all words are wrong."

But here I am in Paris
Yearning for love,
Aching for marriage,
I'm happy in here
In the heart

Here I am in Paris
Holding your hand
Hearing the bells of Notre Dame
And the lights from your eyes
Shine down on me

Memories of books I read
Words of history books, French texts
And that novel...
The word Paris falling off my tongue

Memories of walking through
Countries alone
To walk the streets see museums and
Eat simple meals without butter or flour

I hear Paris without out the tastes of chocolates at Valentines
Without a love that will lead to children and my own family
Without the hope of strawberry's and whip cream in a hotel in Paris

SO There is a hotel in Paris
Empty tonight
I sit with my dreams
And hold hands with the stars
Of the sky I know
Finding myself
In here

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Soul Room

Izzy and the soul room
There is a little room. The soul room. Red walls and a heart of stone. The soul room. A room of growth and emotion. My heart is of words. I hear songs echoing in the soul room. This room has walls built high by me. To the blind it is wide open. Wheat fields mountains and frozen moon.

My heart beats as even as the metronome set to 90. I want the volcano to melt the heart and reshape it. That will leave burns and scars. Can I love myself in the soul room? Or does there have to be someone else to equal my existence in this fire? I still hurt in love

I'm alive to tell. I've fallen many times. There's an indent on my pillow. The field of fresh fallen snow. New love crested like milk to young bones. Little Robin. Land on my finger and sing. For I am a tree in this snow.

Inside the soul room. The heart spins around the sun. The earth and the sun a love story. I pretend the sun is your face. It lights up my world. Oh to pretend your light shines on me. Makes me feel like I'm in love. Like the earth and the sun spinning the snow falling in this room. Spinning never touching.

Curtains rise like the morning. Shadows on the warmest hearts. Show their darkness. Show the dust in the corners we refuse to sweep until spring. Do we remove it, or let it burn: this darkness and shadow.

Oh, I'm alive. So many with my heart don't live to tell about it. Ask the robin. With a heart painted on it's breast for all to see, while on the inside homeless to the seasons. Little bird, land on the stone that is my heart. Melt it to fire. Melt it into love.

I hear her voice. She likes to hear me sing. Gives me praise. It's a moment 20 years ago. But she made bread and wine out of her heart, her voice. Her soul room a powerful vibrato with perfect pitch and tone. For a moment I feel defeated. I said no to such a life. I was touching it caressing it, playing with it like a tiger and prey.

But I have the pen of a writer. I heal myself with my words. Words are my weights strengthening my soul. In it's soul room.

Saturday, February 21, 2015

And I Asked for...



I found focus again.

So there's this saying that used to come when I said "Guess what just happened to me?" Which was usually followed by "Someone has a horse shoe up her ass." And I haven't heard that in a long time (miss my "B") I realized I had a lot of conviction back then I knew what I wanted. I didn't know it wouldn't make me unhappy, But I knew what I wanted. And when I put my heart and soul towards it I got it. In the years post university I always get enough to get by, but I didn't ask for anything, I was so confused by my unhappiness that I didn't know what to ask for. So much that I asked for had made me sad or didn't work out in a positive manner.

So I stopped asking and just got what I needed to get through the next day. But since Duncanville, and I still haven't been doing a lot of asking, I've been getting a lot of positive. I thought "dear self It's time to start asking again."

I asked for singing, started off sketchy, but It lead to the singing teacher I have now and she's amazing and I feel really good singing. I wanted a writing group, I said that years ago, and now I have my own, I lead it, I would like to be the one on the learning side, but you learn a lot when you lead too.

So now I keep telling my friend to make a list of what she wants and then it came back to me that I should write a list. And I told myself I'd like to be writing that's all that's left.

This morning out of nowhere I got an invitation to grant writing and supporting yourself as an artist. The way the weekend worked out I couldn't do it. And part of me wonders if it was a good idea to have said no to it, I could have gone, but i had other plans and needed cat food and to do laundry really really bad.

I did my tarot cards tonight and they basically said "trust in the new energy that is coming your way, you'll get what you want and the cat food. There's going to be a shift."

I also learned from the past that if you need cat food, a day before a winter storm, you get the cat food.

Hopefully this is a trend for the better that positive things are coming into my life, that I can start to know what I want and not be too afraid to ask for it.