these are not my toes: random internet toes....
So we had a good write night the other night and was inspired by the woman who thought, in many ways, differently than I do, or maybe I’m not there yet and needed her to question my reality and where I need to go next in my head and in my heart.
She said one thing, that I wrote down, which was “It is beautiful to see people dependant on each other.” Which challenged every ingrained piece of my heart and soul. Me, who has believed that it is beautiful to have lived 20 years independently, short of help from friends and family, and not had one person, or lover (or many) to lean on for any length of time.
“It is beautiful to see people dependant on each other.” But I grew up in a generation where we were told to have our own bank account in case your loved one abuses you. To protect yourself in case your loved one has AIDS or some other sexually transmitted disease.
I hear so many woman who explain how each partners has to change their thinking as they’ve grown older because this partnership has drifted in so many different directions.
And here was a lady with a Masters Degree stating that couples were a beautiful thing. Dependency was a beautiful thing.
I’d forgotten that part, or maybe I was never shown that picture. Through all the lessons at school and all the people who were interested in me but I wasn’t interested in them and vice versa. It’s never “worked” it’s never been beautiful or shared as beautiful nor has it ever been explained as something I want to be part of.
I want to be part of something beautiful. I always want to be part of something beautiful. Oh, you should see my toes right now, I had my first pedicure, ever, and my toes look like little berries and that is beautiful to me: Something a strayed away from for so long was a little bit of bit of beautiful. Something I was so sure had no relevance to my happiness made me smile and show off my feet, my feet could be like all the “cool girls” Could my love be like all the beautiful people?