Saturday, February 13, 2016

Riff It

SO I needed a writing exercise and I think I’ve found one by combining three; the window (bird by bird),the thing I did today; Take your whole day of nothingness and choose one simple thing, and take one simple sentence.  Then riff it.

I went to the mall Today.

It was cold. I spent a lot of money. I walked across the bridge to get there. And it was cold. Small pieces of snow falling from the sky. The sun hid behind the gray clouds in the sky. It didn’t pump any extra vitamin D into these veins. I'm waiting for summer. 

There were many steps. I wore a brown pair of boots that zippered up. They’re not any pair of boots, they’re my payless size 11’s. Big and warm and on their second B’ town winter. Although I don’t wear them every day, but I wore them today.

I wore a purple jacket. I found 50 cents in the pocket, in the other pocket were my house keys and a cell phone. I had mittens on for a while but they made my hands too hot. The purple jacket is good for minus twenty, so It kept me warm, even today.

I talked to the neighbour when I left and when I came back. Reminded him I lived here.

I only went to the stores where I needed things. I needed bananas and honey and peanut butter. I went to the computer store to buy a writing program, and it was a little more than I thought but that was OK I needed to get my poems back.

SO I needed a writing game because I’ve worked and slept all week. And needed to get back into the groove. “Maybe the hardest thing in writing is simply to tell the truth about things as we see them.”-John Steinbeck


That’s the truth of the moment, that’s what really happened, nothing happened inside my head only that it was quiet and I lived in the moment.

Monday, February 8, 2016

Normal Folks

http://criminalminds.wikia.com/wiki/Dana_Seavers


SO i Watched this killer on Criminal Minds. The last time I watched criminal minds was in their first season? When the guy made Wind Chimes out of killed peoples bones. I can watch just about anything, Zero Dark Thirty, Eastern Promises, but the way this show twists it's plots-- well I don't watch tv at all. let alone this show, and Criminal Minds is when I realized I couldn't trust tv any more.

But, as the story goes, I was at the laundry mat, and happened to get there in time to catch the killer and her fantasy's.

She's depressed and makes up fantasy about men and kills women who she sees as threats. And as is the case when I see a show about depression or psychotic people, I connect. Now I'm no Dana Seavers and have control over my imagination and in some sense my depression and am well medicated for both, although the Dr thought it would be fun to lower the anti psychotic. I objected, and I know I did the right thing. (Remember to stand up for yourselves)

But the fantasies, I guess now I need some back ground in what a natural fantasy is vs what is not. If I like a boy or think he likes me I have huge fantasies and dreams but a relationship never happens it's all in my mind, it's great (and no one dies,) but there's great disappointment when I find he's with someone or I find out what he's really like.

I just thought this is what all woman do, have fantasies, there was nothing like this in any depression, multiple personalty, abused woman etc. etc. Literature.
I also don't believe he's there with me, i know when we talk to each other it's in my mind, but, man, I'm really invested in these imaginary relationships. Why does no Dr ask me these questions, am I supposed to know to bring it up? No obviously i didn't, or I would have been a little more concerned and understanding of what my imagination does. I have a dr's appointment next month SO...


Have a good nite normal folks.


Saturday, February 6, 2016

Saturday Nite

Saturday nite
with two cats
and a pen

Saturday nite
You and I
wonder when

Will we ever meet up again
maybe never maybe never
But we were so important
in those years but whatever

We'll even try to write a letter
but it will never be sent
We just talk to ourselves
Until we find where we went

on a

Saturday nite
the piano
and cinnamon

Saturday nite
When decisions
are real and become

The path that leads to tomorrow
one day never one day never
But now is so important
and tomorrow is left, like, whatever

We'll even try to manipulate
the past the present and future
But we still spend Saturday night
With a cat as a cure.


Saturday nite
with two cats
and a pen

Saturday nite
You and I
wonder
; we wonder when



Saturday, January 30, 2016

Beach


Meghan on the shore,
walking in her bare feet,
all alone.
She's listening to the waves,
on the ocean
She wears a boa,
made of orange feathers
and a bright coloured jacket
And tights

Meghan on the shore,
imagining herself,
in her own photograph
she wants to be chosen
as the land scape
for this music video
she sees in her head

but she is the only one who sees the beauty
a few kids walk by and snicker
at the choices of her colours
the proud face that once
listened to the waves hears
the smashing laughing of the children

We don't know this lady
will never see her again
except that her jacket
is found in the garbage can
on the way off the beach
the sounds of laughter
hurt too much
to even drive home
in a jacket that made her feel like a rock star
until her little fans
called her out.


Only now, as an adult, can beauty be seen


Soul Knight



I wish I could remember my dreams
Because I know you were there
I never had my knight in shining armour
but that armour I wore deep into the night

There was a reason, there's always a reason
Little tip toes on the top of my soul
The words I share on the paper
Have scared you too many times

I just jumped the octave
Like a child in a bouncy castle
Making up songs; making up
This life as I go along

I wish I could hear your voice
Because I know you are very close
You can be my knight in shining armour
If I let my guard, my armour down

There was a reason, there's always a reason
Little tip toes on the top of my soul
By the words I put on the paper
I have been scared too many times

So I jump the nightmare
A gazelle from the teeth of the lion
I fall again in exhaustion

A child in a bouncy castle


Tuesday, January 19, 2016

I Get My Kicks above the Waist Line Sunshine

                                                                     not my photo

I was going to go to bed. I was going to write my stories before I went to bed, but instead I'm at my blog. At least I'm not shaking like I was this morning. You see in case you're new here I have depression, and in case I didn't mention it yet the new Dr has me on a dose/cocktail that really works. Focus, feelings, confidence all improved. Like all the self help books made sense with the extra dose of Prozac.

But today I was reminded how hard it is to deal with these people in the medical profession. I don't have a Dr right now, so the psychiatrist? Has decided to ask me about my diet and my exercise. Well I don't eat meat. And he's decided to drill me on my religion. Which I really don't even talk about on my blog, because it's mine and no one needs to hear about it unless we've know each other for a long time and have a girlie drink in our hands; and you start.

So he said that it was weird that I don't eat meat. And he told me that if I believed in the bible I could eat meat. Because Jesus died on the cross so we could eat meat. It still makes me shake my head. He also said I sounded morally superior because I didn't eat meat. I didn't know how to answer so I agreed with him, I said maybe I was superior.

I'm used to getting people who are, or very close to, a cult. SO I'm terrified half the time to even use the word god, even if I'm referring to the power of the universe, heart and soul; that pull that is a greater power than what we know.

I'm used to sitting quietly for a Dr to finish their sexist speech, they're assumptions about my husband (remember I don't have one) and that Julia Cameron isn't a useful ally in depression,

Oh, but they are.

But remember 1) he's got the cocktail right and 2)no one messes with my animals. So i stood up for my beliefs and my decisions I said “I grew up with animals, chickens, cows, goats, horses, I know their personalities.” I may have mentioned their cute and cuddliness too.

“Even the Chickens?” He asked
“Yes” I said “even the chickens.”

And the conversation continued until he said I was getting better and I could go.

Now I would like to walk away be like all morally superior. Like when I was 20 and in the city. But I need my Prozac, and sitting with him for 45 minutes is easier than going to out patience every three months. But I still feel like I'm fighting an extra fight that I shouldn't have to, to be happy.



Sunday, January 17, 2016

KEY LIME and WINE

not my photo

On a Saturday night
With good friends of mine
I will always taste
Key lime in my soul
Key lime with a touch of
Wine

Some times I see pictures
From decades ago
And think about the child
That has turned me into
Key lime with a touch of
Wine

A Robert Munch book
In a corner with lion king Pj's
A Buddy Holly song
On the cassette player
And here I am still
child

On a Saturday night
I watch the world grow old
Around me trees tall
Babies learn to walk
Me a Key lime pie and

Glass of wine