Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Sigh

not my photo



little drops of water
hit the fire
not a lot
just enough to
hiss


strong hands
plucked notes
on the harp
not a lot
just enough to
sing


lucky the glass beads
didn't smash
when they hit
the floor
just bounded
across the tile


the many colours
of your heart
show me
who you are
not a lot
just enough to
sigh




Monday, September 15, 2014

More

I was asked today if I had a tv. I was told today of a spiderman movie and how I had to sing this week, like the villain, to train my voice to go to the right place.

I answered I don't have a tv.

And I just laughed at the Spiderman thing, but didn't admit to my singing teacher that I don't have a tv, or even net flix on my computer. TV was getting too much for me, the commercials and the violence and I wanted to read books and write my novel.

I had heard stories of people who didn't have tv and I wanted to be one of those people. I love it. But today there were two mentions of having a TV, in one day, in one day. And I feel outside and different today.

I've learned it's ok the feel "outside and different" as long as I'm happy. Because I like the life style I live. I also am wanting more and I have to balance wanting more with living in my means and what the universe and I work toward.

You hide me
Behind the curtain
Shaded me in their ripples

I walked around
The edge of the room
Spying from the outside
Looking in

The velvet furniture
The silk curtains
The TV that plays
I Love Lucy

I've still never seen
I Love Lucy

I have enough

I'm starting to
want more

"I thought you had all you need,"
she said,
"I never thought of you
wanting more."



Sunday, September 14, 2014

Just 20 Dollars

Morning broke with the alarm. I stayed in bed a little later then I should of. Last night I was writing in bed with the computer. The screen made a good night light in the dark room with a little bit of holly cole and jesse cook and this morning I stepped on the computer. It ruined it and I was promised that even though it was less than a year old, warranties would not cover such a tragedy. I learned that you can't just shut off your internet and base your work around a typewriter for a few months while you get your finances together.

The clerk found it funny that I said "Don't you just have a typewriter? That's all I need."

On the plus side it was worth it, the guy who sold it to me was nice and kinda cute, but that makes me an old lady creeping on the young boys. And my computer is red. And works better than the other one even before it was broken. I was told I should get the one that was 20 dollars more because it was just 20 dollars. It must be nice to live in a world where it's "just 20 dollars"

Since my computer was down I hadn't checked to see how much was actually in my account but I had a general Idea that I needed the cheapest computer. So there's no disk drive to play good fellas and traffic for an evening rest.

Just 20 dollars eh? I came home shocked at the actual price, compared to what was written on the little tag on the wall. And after checking on facebook and my email I went to see my account. I had 20 dollars in my bank account. Just enough to do my laundry.

the phone and power will have to wait a little while longer I guess.



Saturday, September 13, 2014

Flicker

I used to write in blood
But I’m reformed now
And resort only to ripping out my soul
When sending you a letter
Not pricking the vein
Beside the heart
Writing out my words

Words, a vine,
Climbing the concrete
The leaves and fruit
Pale in wine and
Stuffed with rice and lamb
Always a bitter taste
That ends in being full

The butterfly flew
In my bedroom window ajar
On the third floor
Fluttered to the bed post
And whispered that the change
Is better than anything
A caterpillar can believe

I used to flicker in blood
Dance to the music
And then curl back up
In a deep depression
Only eating
Only living
When pushed by others

Words are ashes
On the kitchen table
Like incense
After the burn
Pale in wine
And stuffed
With pain and hunger

The butterfly
Landed on my nose
I jumped
She said
You’re more timid
Than you let others
Believe

Inside the birth
Of the butterfly
The breathing
Of the flame
I stir in the ashes
I choke on air

And learn to flicker

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Counterpoint

So I was meditating and my main train of thought was Why my novel seems to be stalled after some outlines and some free falls

Well, I thought, I’m just not good enough, there’s still more to learn, I can’t possibly think I’m good enough to write a novel.

What about other things like singing for people, I asked

Well I’m certainly not a good enough singer to sing in front of people and take myself seriously there’s still a lot I don’t know; people would laugh at me and say ‘even a child knows to do such and such.’

And although when I sit and put pen to paper I don’t physically think this, I’ve heard myself the last couple days focusing on the fact that I’m not very good at stuff and people should know, I know, I’m not very good.

Oh my brain

And then I smack myself (not really but sort of) and do something right. Sing High when the piano plays low learn a song I’ve never heard before take a class and achieve what the teacher asks, like a sonnet in 20 minutes.

SO what have I learned this long weekend? I will continue to remind myself I’m pretty awesome. That I can do what I put my mind to and in the true fashion of Frostyness, when I make a mistake, and need help to fix it, I say:

 I’m awesome but I need some help.


So I still may not know what counterpoint is and cannot tell you all the symbolism in Jane Eyre. But I’m going to keep writing and singing. 

And I’ll google counterpoint.

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Candles

I sang tonight and recorded myself, it was worse than I thought; I’m not going to let it get me down though. Tonight I’m listening to songs by people I admire and listening to what they do and what they sound like. I know I have a voice of my own, that sounds like no one elses; I also know I have a long way to go and I’m not going to get better unless I listen to myself, write everyday and trust my voice. I started with the truth, I know that I have hours in the evening to mess around. My morning pages are peeling away layers and my recordings will have me hear what I truly sound like.


There’s potential in it all, which is the good thing, which is the positive thing, which keeps me going, there’s a little bit of light coming through the darkness that is me trying. But there’s going to be a lot more candles needed to bring in the light.

Tonights motto is there’s still a long way to go there’s still a long way to go and that’s ok, that I see, I can see a passage I can see a path I know it’s long but I can see it, I know there’s a long path but I’m not hiding from it. I'm Crazy to go through it but it's the only way home.

I hold your kisses
In my heart
As I fly across the moon
As I soar across the universe
And go home

I hold your kisses
In my heart
As I float above the earth
A light A spirit
And see that you have loved again

And there are angels
In your midst
He takes your hand
Walks you to
The rising sun
And you fall
You fall in love again

I'll sing it for you when it sounds good you know I'm good for it

Babble

I just finished writing my morning pages. I actually went two years without writing them. There are a million and one excuses as to why. Personally I was doing all right so I never thought anything of it. Until today; today is the end of week four. And I guess I spent four weeks babbling so I didn’t have to face the truth. But last night I said “something is blocking me from writing something is holding me back.” I realized I needed to use the morning pages to “dig deep.” And I realized I’m still scared of writing, which is maybe something I will always be but last night I learned that it is a privilege that I’ve been given to be able to write and read and express myself; That there have been and still are many who don’t have that right.


I have it; I have over 40 books that teach you how to write, I know how to do it, just need to break through the fear that there is something is missing. I need to write one sentence at a time. I need to fight now, fight the part of me that coats all my fears in light so they don’t affect me. That’s what I do, make sure everything is bright on the outside and don’t let myself know the truth, and that is hurting me more than the truth would. It’s time to break open the light because I you break into the darkness there is light AGAIN.