Monday, November 21, 2016

40 Years and Then Some




SO there’s a lot going on in the world right now. And I want to say I’m on the side of peace and love and equality. That I want to support the people at Standing Rock and hug the people in the states who are scared right now. In my own country I want to keep hearing news about our own environmental healing as a country as well as the search for answers to the missing and murdered indigenous woman and the list goes on.

I want to say I’m scared with you and am trying to sort out the fact from the fiction. I don’t know if that’s easier or harder being in Canada. Being in Canada I don’t want to feel complacent that just because I can live life pretty much exactly as I want, (a little more money would be nice) but I have religious and scientific freedoms to choose bits and pieces from those freedoms that I want.

 I have, for the most part, as a woman, access to abortion and birth control and can watch all of my friends get married no matter their sexual orientation. The thought of Our closest neighbours all that they have gained and the affect it will have on the world is frighting.

 I don’t get harassed on the streets or pressured into church or in a domestic life, as a mother, when it’s never something I’ve been interested in.  

This morning sitting at the coffee shop doing morning pages and sneaking peeks at my phone (free wifi). Gave my heart a chance to wake up to the fear that is going on around me. Express where I feel I am in it all.

I thought about being on this earth and stumbling through the last 40 years only to get 100 times better as our neighbouring country goes into turmoil. Donald Trump along with Standing Rock and as always the threat of ISIS.

Maybe my healing and understanding can reach out and touch people who are still angry and mad. Teach them to not hate people they’ve never met, and to replace it with love, no matter how slowly with forgiveness to those they have hurt and have hurt them. Maybe, in me reaching out, I can find people who are ahead of me and teach me even more to grow to love and for me not to hide because someone who I “Know” is wrong thinks that I’m wrong.

If worse comes to worse and a lot of us are not sure how bad this is going to be but when you pull out Hitler as a comparison, it’s projecting, not only, to be really bad, but to get much worse.

I was always moved emotionally by stories of Nazi Germany. I’m mostly German.  I’ve always felt like I lived a past life somewhere in Nazi Germany and there’s a feeling like it’s coming around again.

Our hearts need to be listening this time, our logic needs to tell us "that new job is not worth putting people in a ghetto and placing stars on their shirts and lining them up…" 
Our hearts need to have learned in the last 100 years from science from history, from fiction from Stephen Spielberg, from our friends and our neighbours.



I guess, the last 40 years have been spent on Animals rights because for me and how I was brought up, in the belly of an animals shelter at age 10, I was doing OK, the animals needed more help than people. Maybe the people need me a bit too. Maybe I’m getting strong enough to help.


Coffee Promises

I did something different today. I went out for coffee, at 7 am. I went to the new coffee shop down the street. I had my coffee fix for the day and got my morning pages done. Lately given the choice to write or fall asleep on the couch, I go for the later. I can’t open up the porch anymore as it’s too cold.

I know you’re asking yourself…

“Didn’t Frosty give up coffee last year?”

Why yes: yes I did!! For a whole year, but I’m back on it and my body has no, and I mean no resistance to it. My butt might as well be lit on fire, I get that wound. I don’t like being that wound, but it beats struggling to stay awake during the day.

Going to the coffee shop was a great experience for me and has put interest back in morning pages at least. It gives me a safe place to write and the motivation to do it. I just did clearing this morning mostly writing about dreams and feelings about what I was doing.

It feels a bit like the body is invigorated, that writing has a chance to wake up after slumber.

It has followed a great week of vacation. Where I relaxed and had two major a-ha moments one musical and one about my strength both emotionally and with friends who support me. I gained a little more courage within myself while walking around in a world that I don’t always understand. A world with many people.


SO now I move forward into this new adventure at the same time as overtime gets introduced back into the picture, so we’ll see what the balance is.


Thursday, November 17, 2016

Birthday Come True

You see it started with a night out with some friends it was a Saturday night so I expected to be a little messed up Sunday eating most of the groceries in my house that were close at hand of course I got the day after crazies on Monday.  I bought chips and pop from the machine ate all the cookies in my lunchbox before lunch. I then spent the afternoon at work devising the perfect birthday party 3 months away, and doing my work.

You see 10 years ago I spent my birthday alone in my parents’ house. I turned 30; a failed thespian and filmmaker with crippling depression to the point I couldn’t hold down a Job. Probably didn’t want to hold down a job and people weren’t patient with my emotional situation. There were a strong men ready to take over my job.


SO this year I had a birthday come true. I had some of my friends, the ones who could show up on a Wednesday night, come and meet each other and have dinner together. I wasn’t alone like I so often am. It was the best mistake I followed through on. 

Happy Izzy Gotchaday

Monday, November 14, 2016

MONDAY PROMISES

As the sun sets
And after weeks
Of writing lines
Not sentences
Not paragraphs
I am re introduced
To the novel I was working on

So many things have changed about my ideas of life since starting the novel. The way I believe in love and people and children completely went in a direction I didn’t expect it too, but as I read over the outline and the outline for the first chapter I was pulled like a magnet to a piece of metal. And there was warmth and comfort and tension as I read over the half written Ideas. I was pulled back into the writing of this novel, the listening to meditation music and the climbing into these words and characters. I can do it, I can write a novel.

I can make up this world and these people in my head as I curl up and end the day, after I write songs and sing songs I will spend my evenings on writing the novel I will have the first chapter ready for January whether it’s chapter one or not, I don’t know. but for the next two months instead of getting caught in the face book jungle the twitter jungle I will write my story and let it take me away to another world

As the sun sets
I will work on outlines
Until the novel is ready
I will do it however I need

To get it done.

Monday, October 31, 2016

Ashes Ashes

When the warm fire of the camp
Is burned down
I'll be your midnight
When the nightmares come alive
I’ll be the river’s water
To wash the ashes away

Ashes like tears
Water and diamonds
On your fingers and toes
Ashes like tears
On the crest of your cheek

The mermaid inside me
Becomes the girl in the dress
Waves of the ocean
I’ll be the kiss of the princess
On your ashen cheek
My lips, like stories, touch

I touch your neck
And the hair on your face
I’ll be your midnight
When the sweet dreams
Sweep over you like
Flowered dresses, I will run

Far away

Ashes like tears
Water and diamonds
On your fingers and toes
Ashes like tears

On the crest of your cheek 

Thursday, October 27, 2016

I have confidence in me

I wish I knew then what I know now, I wish I knew that all I had said and done all that I told others I believed I believed myself. About being single about loving myself as I am. I wish the passion I had to stand by me was as strong as the logic I used to argue my independence.

I knew what I was doing was right for me at the time I had no idea how right I was
.
I thought I was missing something by not being in a full fledged sexual\romantic relationship I thought it was a big deal that no man had ever said “I love you” to me in the heat of passion I thought I had done something wrong or people would make fun of me if they knew the truth.

I think of all the tears because this boy and that boy didn’t know I was alive. 

But after an attempted and failed whatever that was; As I make peace with my apartment and myself and the quiet and the kitties I realize that for me, what I have been doing, has been right for me. The confidence I gained in two weeks in my real friends and myself, the fact that it was pointed out that I do love people and that I have friends that know I need to be alone and know I need to be with them at times as well was priceless.

I’m different, always have been. 

I remember trying to come to grips in my mind of how to love everyone equally and still fall in love with one man more than the rest. It never made sense to me. And you know what? It doesn’t have to. I can be strong and confident in who I am and who I need to be. And that’s where I am right now, curled up in my bed with my laptop trying to sort out my emotions because that’s what I do.

I wish, if I had one wish tonight, it would be to instill in people of all ages and all genders the confidence I received this week in learning; what I didn’t want, in relationship to all that I had.


That for me Friday night home alone with my piano, my white cat listening to me sing, the calico doing whatever the calico does and my laptop ready with words, is better than anything else. And my real friends will shine through and we’ll have dates that are my style of fun.


Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Constant

There’s a cut
Across my heart
A broken string
Held on to my friendship
With you

I hear, little feet
Across the floor
It’s 4 am make sure
I’m still the constant

We adopted each other
From a cage in the heart
One night you whisper
Thanks constant

Listen, little heart beat
Against mine
Learning she’s safe
My place like concrete
A constant

The constant is here to stay
You can leave if you like
But the constant is here to stay

I hope people show up on
Oct 3rd at every shelter around the world
Ensure a life isn’t senselessly
Taken away and we show
The world we are
Constants

I wrote this poem about people giving up their pets when they get married or have children or move and how much my cats depend on and trust me even if they are giving me the stink eye. I didn't know how to finish it until the pit bull ban in montreal. I hope the poem speaks for itself but if you can't take on a pit bull, know that there are thousands upon millions of homeless and neglected animals that need help. On Oct 3rd if you can't protest the killing at a vets office in montreal go to your local shelter or sanctuary and see how you can help: a donation, a dog walk learn about what you can do in your own life to support not just pit bulls but animals in general. 

As I type this my friend is taking time off work because her granddaughter was seriously hurt by a dog attack, and not a pit bull. My heart goes out to her.