It was a year ago when I last thought “I have to move back home with my parents.” And this year again the thought goes through my mind. As of last year it wasn’t an option and a received a big ol “no” when I came to my mom crying.
Last year I knew I wasn’t going to be able to make it another winter on my pay. This year I interviewed for and got a higher paying job with more hours. And I have enough cash to make it through the winter a lot more comfortably than last year. But this year it still looms.
I moved home 13 years ago with a major depression, I tired to be a writer but I was too sick and sickness was all that came out of my writing. It wasn’t till I got a job and started interacting with people again that I was able to come out bit by bit. It’s taken about a decade to get gooder.
Last year the plan was to learn how to drive, keep up the job for a year or two and get a down payment for a house. If I could drive I could get a house in the country too, not be confined to a location close to work and groceries.
This week the plan was to just take a year and go on EI and live with my parents and prove to them that I could be an artist. Finally use my degree for something. Right now there’s no time to read or write even play the piano. I couldn’t play the piano tonight as I had this rolling around in my head and new I had to get it out.
I’m forty, I don’t want a job, I don’t want to climb the corporate ladder, I’m not bored when I’m home alone I always have a list of things that I need to do and they never get done I’m always exhausted.
“Maybe I’m just lazy?”
Then I heard a million voices answer back to me, “You’re not lazy.”
I’m not lazy.
Things have changed in the past ten years. A lot of things. A lot of them specifically because I have hada job and can get around town on my own and have delicious friends that get me out and about.
When I complain my mother says “Well I wish I could win the lotto for you, that’s the only way is if we have money.”
I’m reminded of high school where I was so unhappy but there was no way out because “We didn’t have money.” I haven’t believed that’s the only saving grace in this situation, but I’ve never realized how to change my thought process.
But that’s what it takes is a changing of thought process.
I couldn't make it in the theatre world post graduation. I would have needed to crash on a friends couch, and spends a year or two doing films and theatre that pay very little to prove to the world I've "got what it takes" and earnsome industry cred.
I tried to live on my own and earn the cred, but I worked a full time catering job as well, and you can’t gain film cred when A) you don’t drive a car and B) you fall asleep on the cruddy floor of Halifax’s little cigar bar during a climatic scene.
“Dear God, all I ask is that I didn’t snore.”
SO here I am in Duncanville with two cats (They are always in the picture they are my babies) a book shelf I never have time to read and a head afraid of coming up with ideas because I'm afraid of not having time to write then out.
And for a second year in a row I want to move home, and it’s not because of money or a house, it’s simply because I want to write. Songs, poems, plays, something I’ve been putting off for 20 years, learning how to do better for 20 years and now, I need a change.
SO Now I need some ideas of how to get more time to write and still feed and shelter myself and the babies and be creative a whole lote more.
Oh and lets save the world while we’re at it.